For the Record

It took me quite a bit of time to figure out where i wanted to sit in order to write this blog. Yeah, i'm that flustered.

It's been a rough weekend and day so far. I'm just, tired. Physically, mentally, and metaphorically. I have no motivation to do anything.

I started thinking a lot about my life, mainly the getting involved aspect. All i could think about was all of it being a waste. Let's face it, i'm only doing all of this to make a name for myself. To leave something behind greater than myself. To be somebody. But what if it's all just a big hyped dream. What if this is getting me no where. Because to be honest, i feel that way a lot.

I'm scared that my goals just won't be achieved. I know so many people, and even more know me. But it's just not enough. I want more. I want it all. I want to be able to look myself in the eye and know, that i am everything that i ever imagined myself being.

My plans seem to be impossible. I don't see them happening, at all. I can see my career plans happening, but not my personal plans.

Being an RA is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But at the same time, it's holding me back from everything i want to be. And i know, as long as i'm an RA, i will never be able to accomplish the things i want to, and need to.

Lauren is absolutely just, GAH. I'm not falling for her head over heels. Which is a good thing since i tend to do that. But i still have feelings for her. I'm attracted to her. And she's just what i need right now. But she's being so damn difficult. Can you blame her though?

Watching Mike lavaliere Sam tonight just made me break down inside. The amount of love those two have for one another is just astounding.I want something like that. I want to love a girl so much that i am giving her my letters. As stupid as it may sound, that's a huge deal. I want to meet the girl that will make me want to change. The girl that will make me want to stick around for her. The girl that will make me want to be everything that i want to be.

If you couldn't tell, an attack is coming on. I'd say by Wednesday or Thursday (at the very latest) it will be in full swing. Gotta love it. Here's to preparation for a week or two from hell.

Song of the day:

Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes