Man in the Mirror.

I'm alive. If that's what you would like to call this. No I'm not dead yet. But for some reason, I can't see my reflection in the mirror anymore. I keep searching for it, and I guess out of frustration has driven me to what I like to refer to as "insanity".

This isn't who I came here as, and this isn't any variation of who I've worked so hard to be. It feels as though everything inside me is, quite honestly, dead. I can't even tell my own girlfriend how wonderful she is and that she will do great in everything she does. Who is this? I try so hard to escape my thoughts and my anger during the day, and by the night falls I find myself staying up half the night thinking. About what? That's just it, I can't figure out what I'm thinking about.

Sometimes I wake up wondering why I even woke up. The only thing that keeps my going is the feeling of belonging in my fraternity. I'm in a bitter mood five out of the seven days, get angry everyday and come to the verge of tears every night. I'm slowly losing it. With every step forward, I'm burning the path behind me.

I look at my friends, that are long gone. The friends that I used to call my best friends, well, I can't really tell you how they are. Truthfully, I haven't heard from them in months. The ones I do have here with me have stayed loyal, for the most part. In a world of knowing so many, I've never felt so alone. I've found that it is extremely difficult to find a person now a days that is willing to just have a conversation with you in person. About nothing in particular. Just some interaction, a nice conversation to get your thoughts out and mind off of things. I guess that's what happens when your girlfriend lives three hours away and society is dependent on cell phones.

The only thing I can hope for is that tomorrow will be a better day. And usually it is, to most. But for some reason it gets worse and worse in my eyes. I can honestly, without a doubt say that my heart has never hurt so badly, and my soul has never felt so weak. The funny part, she's still here. How long she decides to stick with this fool is up in the clouds.

What will tomorrow bring? Happiness? Hardship? Anger? Depression? As I fall asleep tonight, I will wish that when I awake and look in the mirror, I will see myself. Instead of nothing, and being disgusted.

College. Life.

First post in a LONG time. And this is my first post after being in college. After being here for six weeks, things have totally been put into perspective. It's funny how things work out. Everyone always says "we'll talk everyday when we all leave!" but how many actually keep that promise? I can honestly say I have about five friends that make an effort to talk to me at least a few times a week. And for that, I absolutely love them. Obviously my great girlfriend talks to me everyday.

Speaking of which, it's funny how things worked out with Rachel. I honestly can't believe how well things are between us. The fact that most of our friends thought we would break up as soon as I left made us even more determined to prove them wrong (four months!). I have no doubt in my mind that we will keep going. She is what makes me want to do better here, and prove to everyone what I can really do. I'm constantly trying to do better in school just so I can make her proud of me.

I've been hammered by a few people about the things I say, and quickly after have received apologies from them. To be honest, I don't mind what you say to me. Just be careful with what you say. "Frat parties" and "social suicide" are two examples. Am I mad for people saying stuff like that? No. Does it tick me off? Yes. Because they don't know what a fraternity truly is until they are a part of one. And they also do not know where my social life stands. Am I trying to bash anyone? Absolutely not. I am merely trying to explain so there are no more comments about these things at later times.

After being at college, I've come to realize a lot of things. Keep the friends that show they care as close to you as possible. They will be the ones that will be getting you through life. Always stand by your word. Don't back down just because you're outnumbered. If you have something to say, say it. No need to linger around and not express your thoughts. Don't hold grudges. The more hate you carry within you, the more you whither away piece by piece. You need all the energy you have to focus on other, more important things. Forgive and forget. Things happen, people say things, and the past can never be changed. So just let things go and move on with your life. The biggest thing I've learned after being here is knowing where my place is and where it is not. I've learned that high school was my past. My time is up. I'm not a part of that school anymore. I let go of it, and I try to stay out of their business. Marching band has been great to me for four years, but again, my time is up. It is time for others to shine. It is not my place anymore. And I am perfectly content with that. I just wish more people would realize this.

This is life. Nothing more, nothing less.

Live it. Feel it. Love it.

Soaring Time

Looking back, it’s hard to prove what was real and what was not. It’s a toss up. I sat on a bench a few days ago and saw two birds soaring as if they were one. I couldn’t help but think that’s how life should be. What those birds had was real. They had no cares in the world. They ripped through the air like there was no tomorrow. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my life. But sometimes you can have the best friends a person could ask for, a supportive family and even a significant other that you love, yet you feel empty. Not necessarily your heart, but something inside of you is missing. I’m not quite sure what that missing factor is, and I may never know.

The truth is, most of the things we will do in our lifetime will mean nothing. It will get us nowhere, and it will not make a difference on the outcome of your life. However we still do them because that is the way we’ve been programmed. Maybe we do it to get this empty feeling away or to just feel real.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot of my future, as do most individuals. And with thoughts of the future came thoughts of time. How just a year makes such a difference on how a person thinks and matures. It truly is funny how things take on a whole new meaning as you get older and go through more experiences. I always thought that every person that told me a year makes a difference was plain out dumb. But I understand exactly what they meant now.

I furthered my thinking adventures when the topic of separation gracefully crossed my mind. Again, I always thought that I would be the exception when people would say you lose contact with even your closest friends after graduation. Man, was I wrong. Reality is a storm that will take you by surprise. And lately, I’ve come down to reality a lot! Since graduation, my close friends have steadily been dwindling. I can’t blame them. We’ve got our own lives to live now. I still try to make an effort with the ones I want to stay close to, whether it be a conversation via text, or even a lunch date to catch up. But I’ve learned fairly quickly that you can’t fight on every front. You have to pick the fights that mean the most to you.

It’s crazy how fast everything comes. How fast you have to grow up. While I was sitting on the bench envious of the birds in flight, I began to tell myself how I need to grow up; mainly with responsibilities. Reality hits hard, and when it does all you can do is think. Think about who you were, who you are, and who you want to be. In the end, you can only control the future ahead of you. I can’t change who I was in the past, or what I’ve done. What I can do is change who I will be and what I will do. I’ve grown up a lot with this past year. I’ve learned a lot. I know how it feels to be broken. I know how it feels to be lost, to feel controlled, and to feel as though there is only one way out. I know how it feels to be picked up and brought back onto my feet.

You can’t always expect things to go the way you planned. You can’t hold on to the ones you’ll be leaving. You have to learn to accept the change, and let people go. Because that is the only way you can move on in your life and make something of yourself. As Gandhi once said, “My life is my message.”

Not Afraid

What do you do when you fall so low where getting up is not an option? What do you do when everything you've ever mapped up gets torn to shreds? Everyone goes through tough times. And there are no answers, no solutions, no tricks or patterns.

I've hit rock bottom. But, I'm slowly floating back up. I wise woman told me that everyone thinks differently. Even the slightest age difference in your teen years means decades. An 18 year old thinks much differently than say a 16 year old. I've learned that you are given chances to start anew, and that these chances should be utilized to the fullest.

Enough of that philosophic stuff. On to my life. Well, here's the low down. You get hit, you stand back up. You get hit twice, you get up even faster. You get blown to shreds, you accept the damage and move on. Everyone gets what they deserve, and sooner or later, you will get yours. No one deserves to be lead on, not a soul. It really hits hard when you sit day in and day out fighting and trying for something you never had. You sit and wonder what could you possibly be doing wrong, and than it hits you-- you aren't doing anything wrong. I never got the fair shot I deserved to get you, and you know that. I never crossed your mind as much as you say I did, and you know that. You kept me in the dark, talking mindless circles. But you will soon find out, my dearest, that everyone gets their own. You said you never wanted to lose me, well, you just ran a flawless course on how to lose someone.

It's nothing personal. However, I feel I must tell you, I'm not afraid. This is it, I'm done. No more saying things just to please you. No more doing things just to please you. You think it was bad before? Just wait dear, dawn will not arrive until Hell rises.

Love is Space.

I had a woman not too long ago ask me why guys ask for a break. Well the truth is, after being with someone for a long time, guys tend to feel trapped. They feel as though they are in a box without holes; cluttered. Therefore guys ask the girl for a "break". The down side of this is that most girls think of this as the guy wanting a break up. Honestly, it usually has nothing to do with that. The male mind works only so fast, it needs time to rest. These "breaks" allow them to do just that, create some space, let the mind free up, and come back better than ever. Breaking up with a loved one after being with them for a good amount of time is hard. Doing so over a misunderstanding is even harder. So if you don't want the breaks to come upon you in your relationship, give the guy some space from time to time. You'll be surprised on how much it helps. Remember trust is key in a relationship. 

Big V.

P.S.- If any of you can help me, can you please promote my blog? Thank you so much!

Ideas and/or Whatever You Want!

Okay so instead of me coming up with topics out of my little noggin, why don't you guys help me out. You can email me any ideas you have, or things that you are experiencing in your life that you would like help with. Advice, thoughts, anything goes. 

So just hit me up at Autiger213@sbcglobal.net (Don't spam me). Let me know what's on your mind and I shall do my best to help you out! 

Thank you all!

Big V.

Trouble With Friends.

So it seems as though there have been many friend issues going on lately. It's a part of nature and is bound to happen. Most people always say, "Why does this happen to me?" The truth is, it happens to everyone. Problems with the people you hang out with most are unstoppable, and truly only make you stronger. Some arise from foolish things, while others come about from serious matters. Now foolish and serious is defined differently by every person; but on a broad basis, either complication is worth fighting for. Whether you were at fault or not. Becoming the bigger person and trying to fix a friendship is much more valuable than to sit and gossip about the person or argue with them. That gets you absolutely no where. Instead of wasting the time whining about what's going out, solve the problem, and be on your way. I'd rather be with the people that mean the most to me than fight with those people to see who's right. Life's short, live it up. Make memories with the friends you'll be thinking about when you're old, and think back and the funny things you once did; not the fights you had. 

This is Big V, signing out.