A Hero of War.

I don't get it, i don't get it, i don't get it.

I really wish i had the hate in me that i did for so long right now, just so i could hate her. Do i want to hate her? No. But she hates me. And i'm tired of being the one that's down and out. I'm tired of being the one that waits around for her. I'm tired of being so god damn weak. Are things going to change? No. She talked to me today. One text. Only to prove me wrong. To "show me up". It seems like that's the only way she will. And it's killing me. I told her today, that she doesn't care if i'm alive or dead, what i do for her doesn't matter, and that what i'm accomplishing here definitely doesn't matter. But i don't think she realizes the extent of that message. The fact of the matter is, i could be dead, and she would never know. And my GUT feeling tells me that she wouldn't really care. She's the only person i ever want to tell my accomplishments to, but again, she doesn't care. Not one bit. Why do i tell her? Let me tell you.

I've said on here before that i do everything for her. Well she's the only one i've ever wanted to impress. Even when we weren't together. I still remember being on the marching band field while i was a drum major and she was with Jordan. I would specifically yell at him when she was looking and always tried my hardest when i knew she was around me. And to be honest, it was out of instinct. So now, i just want to tell her about the things i do. But the downside to all of this is that when i tell her, i don't get anything back. I've yet to celebrate my exec position in Pi Kappa Phi, and now, i've yet to even feel happy at the fact that i got accepted to be an Emerging Leader (they took 60 out of 131).

I wonder if she secretly does care, but just won't tell me. I really wish she would just talk to me. It would make things so much better. As much as i absolutely hate to admit it, even though her one text to me today was quite bitter and mean, it made my day. It made my heart race again, just for a second.

I keep having dreams about her. I used to have dreams about dieing, as i told Natalie. But now they are dreams about her. About seeing her and me explaining everything to her and her mother (weird, i know). But every single time, she hugs me. And every single time i wake up with a bitter sweet reaction.

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I refuse to ever call that kid my friend ever again. Because no human with a heart says the things that he had said. As for her, through thick and thin i've looked after her like my little sister. So for now, she's okay.

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I've been praying. Yeah. I really have changed.

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Just give me a ray of hope, so i at least keep going and don't give up on myself. Because as long as i know you haven't given up on me, i will never stop fighting. And you know that. Always and forever. This is our kind of love. :/