Not Exactly My Cup of Tea.

Well. Here we are. I'd love to say that there is a lot to be said about life right now, but in all honesty, there isn't.

Each and every day, i'm starting to like my business classes a little more. Are they challenging? Very. Are they fun and educational? YES! It's amazing how you actually want to go to school/class when you know you are actually learning something that will better your future. Maybe that's what the American educational system is lacking; purpose. I went through 13 years of school for what? To get to college only to not be prepared? Now are all systems the same? No. The private school kids seem to be more prepared than public. But that's a given. Is it time for change? Heck yes. Will it happen soon? Very, highly, doubtful.

As i sip on my tea and look out the window overseeing campus on this gloomy day, i can't help but think about everything. I'd like to hope that soon, real soon, things will get better. That i will be purely happy again. HOPE.

I've got a lot on my plate for this semester. As a freshman on exec board, it's very stressful and confusing at times. There's just so much to be done. I'm not too sure if i could ever be archon (president) as much as the chapter would like me to be. I'm applying to be an RA next year as i said in my last post. I'm also applying to be a UA (University Ambassador), who are basically the people that represent the school and give tours during the year. And get PAID. That's more competitive than RA because they're always looking for more male RA's. And to top off the list, Emerging Leaders will be starting up in early March. Which seems like it's far away, but it'll be here before i know it.

Now, you're probably thinking, "well with all of this going on, there's no way you could handle a relationship!" Wrong. Having a relationship would help me out so much right now. Just to have someone to always talk to and explain everything to. But what can ya do.

So last night i was chilling out at the house with everyone since it was a rush event. We had a game night at the house and all the ones interested in rushing just came by the house and we gave them a tour of it and we had a bunch of games set up everywhere like xbox, N64 and board games. I was mainly there because i had to take attendance of all the actives that showed up. But after i was done with that i just chilled out on the couch in the living room where most of the people were. Then Laura came and sat with me (since a lot of the g-phi's were there) and we just sat there for hours with Caleb on the other side and just chilled. We didn't really talk about much. But it was nice having her and Caleb right there and laying all over each other. It was really nice to be surrounded by guys and girls that love me.

I'm gonna get a twitter soon. So a lot of my time online will probably be taken up by that for a few days so i can figure out how to use it. If you have a twitter, try to find me today or tomorrow and follow me!

Song of the day:

Our Kind of Love by Lady Antebellum

Spinning With a Cause

It's times like these that i kind of feel like life does have its reasoning's.

Spring rush has begun today! Which means i'm going to be really busy for the next couple of weeks. Mainly because i have to go to all of the events :/. But it's okay because i'm going to be doing something i love.

I have decided that i have to become an RA next year if i want to be anywhere close to my friends. If i go to the house, my relationship with all of my "GDI" friends will suffer. And i'm not ready to do that. So my only other option now is to become an RA. I mean, it's definitely something i want to do, i just wasn't planning on doing it so soon. But hey, that's life. It just sucks that i won't be able to room with Tommy next year. I really was looking forward to another year with him.

This is a new beginning. Whether you know it or not. The past is the past. I can't change it. But what we can do is change the future.

I'll be back home in two weeks. WOOO. (maybe)

You know, everything that has happened to me lately, as in the past few weeks,it has been really hard for me to not break down. Being so used to having someone to talk about everything with has become a weakness for me. Yeah i have others to talk about it with, but it's not the same. I try to talk about the stuff in my life with other people, but they just don't care or don't understand. Who can blame them? I guess what i'm getting at here, is that my only wish is to get my best friend back. There's so much i want/need to tell you about. Yeah. Maybe things will be different this time. Maybe.

I love having my first class be at 12:30 :D

I've been having the most effed up dreams lately. At the time they don't make sense, but a couple of days later they start to make perfect sense. I figured out who the girl was from the other dream. And oh my ba-jeezus, was i shocked.

Song of the day:

Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi

Sailor On An Open Sea.

Something about cold weather makes the brain think. Nothing in particular, but just think. Rain, snow, or shine. One of my favorite things to do is go outside during the winter and just walk until i feel like sitting down somewhere. No specific reason. Just a way for me to clear my mind when it gets filled with thoughts.

My favorite place to go when i'm home is the football field up at the high school. I know, most people are going to say that i can't let go of high school. It doesn't have to do with that. The football field at night is so peaceful. And you can just sit there or walk around, look up at the stars, or lay down on the field. It's quiet and open. And to be honest, the field is the only place that i've never had to face sorrow, disappointment, or hurt (emotionally). It's just a place i love to go to when i need to get away. I usually don't share that place with anyone, except one person, so feel special.

MYLC. What to say about that. Let's see. In 2 days, i met a shit ton of Pi Kapps from all over the country. It was one of those experiences that was a pain in the butt, but you know in the back of your mind that whatever you went through is all worth it. And it was. Sitting through pointless meetings that taught me nothing, and a lunch that wouldn't fill up an ant doesn't seem so bad anymore. Truth be told, you don't really know the feeling of brotherhood until you meet other chapters. Mainly because you can go up to any one of them and talk for hours on end. Complete strangers. It felt amazing to be in a room full of guys that stand for the same things you do. Granted, some of the chapters looked and acted like your typical "frat" boys. Not naming any names, but one of those is in this state. I really can't explain MYLC any better than that.

Coming home. Oh lawd. Seeing my parents for the first time since thanksgiving was borderline awkward. Mainly because we didn't really know what to say to each other. But it got better today. I saw all the pictures of all the stuff in India and videos that they took of my grandpa's house after the renovations. I kind of wish i would've gone. Mainly because it looks like they all had fun. One of the biggest reasons i didn't want to go when they were booking tickets was because of Rachel. That was back in August. Oh, and my mom plunked one of my white hairs that was on my beard. White hair count is down to one. (she couldn't find the other one :D)

After a week of classes, with the majority of them being business oriented, i'm sure i want to go into business. Now is finance the exact major? I don't know that quite yet. Ha. Baby steps. One thing i learned this weekend is that you have to do things gradually and achieve small wins. Changes don't happen overnight. Pick your battles, and take them on.

With that being said, lately i've been able to show myself as being pretty stable and well composed. In all honesty, however, i'm more unstable now than i was before. I doubt myself more than ever, my self esteem is at a new low. It really is to the point of not knowing how i'm still going. It has dawned on me that many of the things that have happened to me have been via pure luck. Does it pay to be lucky? I guess so. But how much longer until i bust my ass yet again and that luck vanishes? I need to figure things out.

Okay this is getting obnoxiously long. But one last thought. Promise. I had a dream last night. This dream was so, so weird. I was with someone, and when i say with i mean i was in a relationship with her, of some sort. But as hard as i try to recall, i can't see her face. All i remember is that she wore glasses. And she had long hair. Other then that i can't remember anything. It has been bugging me all day. Because it made me happy; it made my heart race.

Song of the day:

Wavin Flag by K'Naan

Two Hairs, One Chin.

One thing that i already love about my second semester in college is that i know at least a couple of people in each of my classes, except my creative writing class. And surprisingly, none of them are my brothers.

I've come to the conclusion that Abigail is going to be the person that gets me through management. That class is going to be a pain. Needless to say, Dodson fucked me over in high school, and now i'm totally lost in that class. Most of you are probably confused. Well, it's a management class. However, it's a business communication class. Therefore we learn about proper business etiquette and grammar. Yay. And seeing that Abi got a 35 in the English portion of the ACT when she was in high school and like a 34 or something overall, she's going to be helping me a lot. Thank you sorority girls.

Creative writing is going to be very very very interesting. I can already tell i'm going to be tested in that class. It's a poetry class, and there are a lot of new things i'm going to have to try. I'm fine with it; it'll broaden my horizons. And now i'll finally know if i'm actually good or if it was just in my head the whole time. To top it off, i sat in between two very cute girls. One that lives in my dorm hall, and the other is a creative writing major. After this class i thought about it, and i realized that in each of my classes, i sit next to an attractive girl. Motivation to go to class everyday? Yes please.

Speaking of ladies. I've thought about her more than i have in months today. I don't know why. I just have. I keep thinking about the past. What we had. And i can't help but get sad again. I just woke up and couldn't stop. I even had dreams with her in them. Why? Why now? Why a month later, after i had already moved away from the situation and made myself stop thinking about her? I love the girl i fell in love with so much, still. That is what's stopping me from going anywhere. That is what is stopping me from taking any risks. I tried to, with Karalyn. But, god knows what happened there. My walls are up. The only thing inside of them are myself, and the memories.

I said i would stop drinking. But i can't. Not when things are the way they are. And it really sucks. Because my life is actually not too bad. I'm sure there would be plenty of people that would gladly live my life for me. I mean, i should be thankful for the things i have, the opportunities i'm getting, and just how lucky i've been. But when you don't have anyone to share any of that with, it doesn't mean as much. When the person you accomplished all of this for suddenly disappears, you don't feel as proud of it. In fact, you don't feel proud at all. It just becomes another part in your everyday routine.

I found yet another white hair on my beard. That takes the count to two. Awesome.

Song of the day:

This Love, This Hate by Hollywood Undead

I Smell Knowledge!

Hello from Springvegas! I'm finally back at MSU, and although i started classes today, i'm so glad to be back.

I came back on Saturday, well, Saturday night, and went to one of my brother's 21st birthday parties. Needless to say, it was a fun night. Some people even got some texts from me. Sorry again for that.

But seriously, I really needed that night. Especially to kick off the new semester. It was just so great walking into the apartment and the whole place just erupting. It really made me feel great because we all missed each other so much. I also ended up meeting a bunch of new people! Everyone knows how much I love meeting people, especially the female kind.

I had an 8:35 accounting class today. That's going to be an interesting class this semester. I think i'm going to enjoy it.

I've been talking to someone a lot lately. And the more we talk, the more i realize we are very compatible. But the thing is, i just can't see us together. It's not that she isn't attractive or that she's out of my league. I just can't picture us together. Which is a shame because like i said, we are very similar. Yeah, you have your drawbacks, but who doesn't? I'm not sure.

I'm thoroughly excited for two events right now. Well, three. The first one is this weekend, MYLC. That is the conference for all of the new exec members of Pi Kapp in the midwest. It's definitely going to be a great experience. Next up is Rush Spring 2011. I'm really excited to finally be on the other side of things and be a part of the recruitment process. The third thing i'm excited for is being a chaperon for the movie-a-thon at the high school. Yes, i know, i graduated already. But, Renaissance is like my little baby. I got to mold that club into what it is/was by the end of my senior year. Whether they keep up with it is their own business, but i know i made a bunch of changes to the organization. And Renaissance is the one club that made me who i am today. It opened the door of "leadership" for me and showed me what i'm capable of.

Other than that, i don't have much to say. My parents come back to STL today. That should be interesting. Oh lawdy.

Song of the Day:

Waiting For The End by Linkin Park

Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen.

So apparently it's been quite awhile since i've posted something, according to some people. Honestly, there hasn't been munch going on. Nothing important anyway.

After new years i've pretty much just laid low, gone and spent some time with various friends. Last night i went out to dinner with Alicia and Courtney and then we all went to Drew's house and watched Inception.

I'm going to take some time and talk about that movie. It's okay, there is no spoiler alert. But if you haven't seen it, WATCH IT. I haven't figured out how some people find it too confusing. If you watch the whole movie and don't over analyze anything, it's pretty straight forward. In fact, it's a great storyline. Definitely something different from your everyday love story crap. And it really does make you think about life and dreams. All in all, it's a movie i will be getting in the near future!

Okay, back to last night. Drew and I talked from about midnight to five in the morning. About EVERYTHING. To be honest, it was really nice. It has been a long time since i've had a talk like that. And when i say everything, i mean it. We touched on every subject. Before we knew it, it was five in the morning. Needless to say, i slept all day. And then i went out to eat with my other sister at b-dubs!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And i've come to the conclusion that i really need to get away for awhile. Just leave and try to find myself. Everyone was right, i don't exactly know who i am yet. And until i figure out who i am, i can't expect someone else to come into my life and figure out who i am. This all came about when i was thinking about Karalyn. I would like nothing more than to date her, but i started to look at things from her point of view. If i were in her shoes, i would say no. I'm in college and three hours away. Who wants to try and have a relationship with that. Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe she doesn't care. I still don't know. Still no answer. It will be really awkward if we run into each other when i go back to the high school tomorrow for the last time until about April.

You know, i look at what you've become now. I can't help but smile. Because you're not the girl you once were. You are not the same girl that loved me, and i'm okay with that. People change, things change. You changed for the worse. Is that to say that you will never be the same? Absolutely not. But, I'm glad i had you when i did, and lost you when i did.

Song of the day:

Save Me by Nicki Minaj

Queen on my Chess Board.

Here we are! The new year is here!

How did i bring it in you ask? Well, with a group of people that have loved one another, hated one another, talked about one another, hung out with one another, and ignored one another at one point throughout 2010. But guess what, we all brought in 2011 together, like a family. And we all got a long, we all talked and laughed and shared stories. Man, was it nice to have everyone together once again.

2010 has been a very weird year, to say the least. I experienced the most magical night of a teenagers life (prom), went through graduation, had to say goodbye, cut off some friendships, made some new ones, fell in love, and got my first heartbreak. Oh, and I went off to college! I think 2010 has been the one year that so much has happened, and to be honest, I don't regret any of it. Everything that happened, happened for a reason. Even if I don't know the reason for some of those events just yet, I will sooner or later. I can only imagine what 2011 will have in store for me!

Since it was the first day of the new year, I decided to start off with a bang. So I took the plunge, for the first time in 7 months. How did it go? Well, I'm not exactly sure. I guess since I don't know, I'd say badly. But on the bright side, I took the chance! Maybe I'm just...*waves hands in air*....different.

Song of the day:

Cameras by Matt and Kim