Sailor On An Open Sea.

Something about cold weather makes the brain think. Nothing in particular, but just think. Rain, snow, or shine. One of my favorite things to do is go outside during the winter and just walk until i feel like sitting down somewhere. No specific reason. Just a way for me to clear my mind when it gets filled with thoughts.

My favorite place to go when i'm home is the football field up at the high school. I know, most people are going to say that i can't let go of high school. It doesn't have to do with that. The football field at night is so peaceful. And you can just sit there or walk around, look up at the stars, or lay down on the field. It's quiet and open. And to be honest, the field is the only place that i've never had to face sorrow, disappointment, or hurt (emotionally). It's just a place i love to go to when i need to get away. I usually don't share that place with anyone, except one person, so feel special.

MYLC. What to say about that. Let's see. In 2 days, i met a shit ton of Pi Kapps from all over the country. It was one of those experiences that was a pain in the butt, but you know in the back of your mind that whatever you went through is all worth it. And it was. Sitting through pointless meetings that taught me nothing, and a lunch that wouldn't fill up an ant doesn't seem so bad anymore. Truth be told, you don't really know the feeling of brotherhood until you meet other chapters. Mainly because you can go up to any one of them and talk for hours on end. Complete strangers. It felt amazing to be in a room full of guys that stand for the same things you do. Granted, some of the chapters looked and acted like your typical "frat" boys. Not naming any names, but one of those is in this state. I really can't explain MYLC any better than that.

Coming home. Oh lawd. Seeing my parents for the first time since thanksgiving was borderline awkward. Mainly because we didn't really know what to say to each other. But it got better today. I saw all the pictures of all the stuff in India and videos that they took of my grandpa's house after the renovations. I kind of wish i would've gone. Mainly because it looks like they all had fun. One of the biggest reasons i didn't want to go when they were booking tickets was because of Rachel. That was back in August. Oh, and my mom plunked one of my white hairs that was on my beard. White hair count is down to one. (she couldn't find the other one :D)

After a week of classes, with the majority of them being business oriented, i'm sure i want to go into business. Now is finance the exact major? I don't know that quite yet. Ha. Baby steps. One thing i learned this weekend is that you have to do things gradually and achieve small wins. Changes don't happen overnight. Pick your battles, and take them on.

With that being said, lately i've been able to show myself as being pretty stable and well composed. In all honesty, however, i'm more unstable now than i was before. I doubt myself more than ever, my self esteem is at a new low. It really is to the point of not knowing how i'm still going. It has dawned on me that many of the things that have happened to me have been via pure luck. Does it pay to be lucky? I guess so. But how much longer until i bust my ass yet again and that luck vanishes? I need to figure things out.

Okay this is getting obnoxiously long. But one last thought. Promise. I had a dream last night. This dream was so, so weird. I was with someone, and when i say with i mean i was in a relationship with her, of some sort. But as hard as i try to recall, i can't see her face. All i remember is that she wore glasses. And she had long hair. Other then that i can't remember anything. It has been bugging me all day. Because it made me happy; it made my heart race.

Song of the day:

Wavin Flag by K'Naan