Little Monsters

It's dawned on me, that some of my closest friends that I had here, aren't that close to me anymore. It's weird, how you can go so long of being best friends, and then all of a sudden you look at yourself, the friendship, and realize there's not a lot left of it. Maybe it's just me realizing it now, but it just kills you inside. We grow up, and some don't.

I was always there for you man. For five years. Even through all of your attempts to sabotage my relationships, I still stuck by you. When I thought you were making a terrible decision for college, I talked to you about it. And you seemed to listen, since you are here, even if it is for the reason I advised you not to let you influence. But the time I needed you most, when I needed everyone the most, you just like the rest turned your back. Yeah, I've said some things to you and about you that I'm not proud of, nor am I happy about. But I would've never told you that you were better off dead. Never.

You have been the loyalist of them all. And bro, you have been the best friend and roommate I could've ever asked for. I told you this before, and I'll tell you again. I'm so envious of your life. I always have been. So many people look up to you, you're so damn amazing and passionate about music. I wish I could be as passionate about something, or even half as passionate. I'm envious that you found the love of your life already. You two make a great match. But everyday when we lived together, I couldn't help but think you were judging me each and every day of it. Between the whole Rachel thing, the fraternity, not knowing what to do with my life, to the endless nights I would just sulk in self pity. You were a brother to me before I got 60 of them, and again like I said before, I would do anything for you and for the love of your life. She means a lot to you, so I'm always going to look after her too. But sometimes I wonder if you've ever seen me the same way.

Dude, I know I can't talk to you all the time. And we really haven't communicated throughout the year. We live two completely different lives. And when I come home, I see that the most. I get it, you don't want to hang out with me or anything. It's cool. It's just one of those things that I'm going to have to get used to. Because I was always envious of you too. You guys know exactly what you want to do and you have the skills and ability to do so. I try, I try my little heart out to try to get through to you. You've been my second family. And it seems so distant, more now than ever.

Things have changed. Something we all have to deal with. WE have changed. Each and every one of us. Whether it is by the way we look, act, feel, or even think. Some haven't changed at all. The one's I feel sorry for the most are the ones that are left untouched. The ones that have yet to grow up, deal with the facts of life, and haven't let the natural course of change run through them.

One thing I absolutely hate, is that so many people here judge me for being the way I am and doing the things I do. I mean, I thought about this for awhile. I joined a FRATERNITY of men and I get talked about, accused of random things, and made out to be some type of partying animal. While this is all nice and dandy, it doesn't portray me in the right light by any means. But the thing is, all I did was join something. How do people expect others to admit that they are homosexual, bisexual, atheist, agnostic, or anything in the lines of that? If I got judged for just joining an organization, these people are going to get judged to the tenth degree. Grow up people. Let go of whatever you need to let go of, work through any issues that have been left unresolved. Let past relationships go and move on with your life. Let life run its course! You can't keep living in the past, or doing things merely to please someone. You gotta start doing things for you, and look forward.

I've done a lot of things in my past. Things I am both proud and not so proud of; regardless it is my past. It has shaped me to become who I am, as cliche as it sounds. In the last 2 years of my life I loved someone for the first time, fell in love again with someone else and learned a lesson on relationships, went to college, started a life, and figured out who I am. I'm sorry I didn't choose the same path as my friends. I'm sorry I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm sorry I quit music. What everyone needs to realize, is that these were all decisions I needed to make. This is my own path. No one else's. I'm trying my hardest to keep things the same, but everything is changing around us too fast.

Judge me for all it's worth. And judge those that are homosexual, atheist, and whatever. But guess what, they are all the happiest people that will walk this god forsaken earth, because they know who they are, and they're not going to let a bunch of people judging them for following their heart bring them down.

This is my life, I can't always control who comes in and out of it. I'm trying my hardest, and that's all I can do. If that's not good enough for you, then maybe not having me in your life is probably best. I am who I am, and no, I'm not fuckin' changing for anyone. :)

Song of the day:

Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga