A Summer Carol

I'm going to go ahead and tell you now that this is probably going to be a fairly long post. Not novel long, but longer than the rest. There's just a lot to cover, and a lot that i need to get out. So, let's get to it!

I've been thinking a lot lately. About various things, as per usual. Here's the first thing.

The Past:
First thing's first. I went to the high school over a week ago. It's been a full year since i graduated, a long with the rest of the class of 2010. It makes me sick seeing what everything we did has come to. Absolutely sick. I'm not saying i alone raised everything. No, i didn't. We, as a class, accomplished everything. The only thing the class below us had to do was at very least keep that up. And guess what? It's all gone. Nobody even remembers what we did. I can't believe it. And then, you have Middleton talking about how great HIS band is going to be now that someone is out of the picture and how much of a failure the rest of the years were. TO MY FACE. Dude, i'm sorry i was a part of the BEST SENIOR CLASS to go through that school. I'm sorry we led that program to everything. I'm sorry that Becca and I worked our ass off more than any other drum majors did and have after us to make it what we did. Yes, it wasn't all us. That band was pure magic. And to tell me to my face that we were a failure? No sir, no. You know what, go off and jack up the band fee and do your full day band camp. Have fun turning into the next Fox marching band program with all drill and props, but no music. I'm so glad the "Seckman Jaguar Pride" isn't coming to Ozarko. I think one year of humiliation was good enough. It also pains me to hear about the Renaissance program. That club, I did raise. I put in so much time into that club my four years. And in ONE SINGLE YEAR they managed to screw it all up. Way to go, scholar, way to go.
And it's funny thinking about my relationships throughout then as well. Let's face it, everyone i was ever with found someone better. Someone that they're actually happy with. The two that meant the most to me especially. Micaela found Mike, and she seems like she's on cloud nine. She's got the boy she always wanted, and the one i never was. Rachel has managed to make it to where i don't even exist, nor did i ever. I guess i'd rather emotionally deal with Micaela's situation cause at least she still talks to me and remembers. It still hurts every single time i think about Rachel totally erasing me. Cause it seems like it was never truly real to her. But it's done and over with. So there isn't much to do now. I think i'm just meant to be that guy, the one that makes you realize that there is something so much better out there for you.

The Present:
What is there to say. I'm on the verge of losing my full tuition scholarship, the one that inspired me to get so involved in college and also has taught me so much about diversity (not that i didn't already know about it. Ha, jokes.). But, i get to keep my RA job. So, we'll just have to see where everything pans out. I've finally totally decided to go pre-law and i think i'm going to major in political science with a minor in either communications or philosophy. Living at home has completely and totally sucked. I can say with full confidence that i will try as had as i can NOT to come back next summer and stay down in springfield. I can't do this again.
Honestly, it's funny looking at my "relationships" now too. I truly don't know what to do. Mista is right there. She's all mine. Weird part is, i'm not taking her. Not right now at least. I just can't. How can i? After everything that has happened, and seeing where it led, how could i do it all over again? The things that have happened between us doesn't exactly make me confident about going after her either. Not one bit. And i'm honestly trying my hardest to let it all go. To start fresh. But i can't. As hard as i've tried, it's getting me no where. You hurt me so bad. Before we were even together. And it wasn't once, or twice, or even three times. It was over, and over, and over again. It just kept happening. You can go ask anyone you want, but i got absolutely crushed so many times. And now i'm baffled to how i stuck with it. I truly am. But i made it here. Through it all. And finally got you. But now i can't take you. I guess because you have no idea what i went through. NO IDEA. Before you came along, while we were talking, and now. I have no sympathy for you or what you went through with your ex. I've been through hell and back, gone out with the craziest with even crazier mom's. And i don't think you ever fully appreciated anything i did for you. Because let's face it, i did EVERYTHING for you. I would drop anything and everything for you. And that was my mistake. Because i did that, and you never ever did the same for me, until later. I told you before, i like you. And i do. I'm STILL here. But, after it's all said and done, maybe it's too little too late. I worked my ass off for you. And when it boils down to it, it's shocking, but you would give up quicker than i ever would. I mean, come on, you wouldn't have put up with and gone through everything i did just to get here if you were in my shoes. You would've left after the first week. And this weekend, you get busy and just stop talking. Yeah, princess i get busy too. Like, oh i don't know, this whole past semester? I can easily say i had more going on than you did. And i still found time every day to talk to you. That little stuff is what matters most. Not how much you miss me, or how many times in one day you tell me you like me, or how many times you ask if you can come see me. No, it doesn't take any of that. There's a lot that needs to be processed now. The game totally changed this weekend.

The Future:
It's gonna be here before we know it. Now that i've decided to go pre-law, i've been looking at law schools. As far as missouri goes, it's either UMKC or SLU. Not gonna lie, i hate SLU. But i really really really want to go somewhere on the east coast. Not sure where, but somewhere. My dream would be to go to Yale. Never gonna happen, i know. But it's a dream.
It's scary to think about. If everything miraculously goes according to my plan, i'll be engaged in three to four years. That means in the next three to four years i'll be meeting the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. How insane is that?! You know what though? I absolutely cannot wait for that day to come.

Weird how the future part is the shortest one. I guess it's because right now, i'm not really sure what the future holds for me. But, that will all unfold in due time.

Song of the day:

Awake and Alive (The quickening version) by Skillet