We Will Fade.

Today is the most family interaction i've had in a long time. It consisted of talking to my sister on facebook so she could tell me that she is stuck in Dubai until today (USA time) and won't get back to the states until the 31st now. So then i had to call my parents and let them know what was going on. My mom gets so excited when i call. It's quite interesting. Then came the final phone call to my aunt in Alabama to let her know about my sister's situation because she's the on that will be getting her at the airport. Granted none of the conversations lasted long, it was still something.

I'm thinking about driving down to Alabama after new years for a few days so i can see my sister and spend some time down there. We'll have to see how everything works out though. Cause it's a long drive. :/

I bought five movies the other day from Blockbuster. Five movies for 20 bucks! Can't beat that. I've already watched four of them, so that leaves me with the Road that i haven't seen. Well, i've seen it, just not since i've bought it.

I decided to have people over for new years eve. That should be interesting. Most of the people have been at my house before but some of them haven't. Plus i'm not exactly sure how to do any of that party hosting nonsense. Oh well, i'm a boy, i can use that as an excuse.

I'm gonna go spend the night with my brother Matt today! I seriously can't wait for it. I miss him along with all of my brothers and MSU friends. I miss MSU in general. So much. It's funny because everyone misses it, even the seniors that have been there for four years. Home loses its charm after awhile.

Each day passes by and each day i find myself thinking about all the possibilities. Thinking about the what if's and the what could be's. I still can't find anyone quite like her. I wonder if she'll have the decency to wish me a happy birthday in a month and a half. Doubt it. Highly doubt it.

I feel like i need to get out of here. Like there's nothing left for me here. I want to go to England SO bad. Just to get away from here. Maybe once i leave for a long period of time with no contact what so ever i'll be able to find myself and people will figure out whether they really need me in their lives or not. I've always wanted to get away and not talk to anyone the whole time and not visit at all. And then make my grand return, to see all the changes and see who's still around. I think next spring i'm going to either try to go to England or do an internship at Disney World. I need to figure out who i am. Because as many changes as i've been through, i still haven't found my "soul". And i feel so empty.

Lesson of the day: beagles love blueberries.

Lonesome at its Best.

Today is December 26, 2010. Exactly 7 months ago i thought i had my whole life in check. Nothing could go wrong. A month and a half ago, i made a choice, a decision, that i would carry out on this day. And today, i realize that decision would've probably been the worst decision of my life.

Lately, my life has been pretty flustered. Most of it consisting of sitting at home watching movies. I go out whenever anyone wants to do anything. There's only so much to do around here. I miss being up at school so much.

My goal for the break probably won't be happening. I tried. I think? And trust me, it sucks. I'm surrounded by so many, yet feel so lonely.

This is a short post, mainly because i still can't figure out a way to put my feelings into words.

Third Time's a Charm?

I'd be lying to you if i said i wasn't lonely. I'd be lying if i told you i don't miss my old life. I'd be lying if i told you i was totally happy.

Now don't get me wrong, i am happy, just not totally happy. I love my life right now, but i was more content with my life before. And by before i mean a few months ago. My parents are gone, my sisters gone, and i'm lonely. All of my best friends are out doing their own thing. But the funny thing is, it doesn't even have to do with any of that, for the most part. I feel empty inside. I'm used to always having someone, at very least, having someone to talk to. And now i don't. So i find myself blogging. Joy.

My brother Matt came and spent the night with me friday. It was nice having him here. He's always looking after me and making sure i'm okay. That's a brotherhood.

What does the title mean you ask? Well, the first girl I had, the love of my life, i pushed away (Rachel). And now she's gone, and never coming back. Next up, I had Haley right there. Right in front of me. She was all mine. And of course i pushed her away too. And now she's dating someone else. Hopefully the third time's the charm? Some of you know who that person is. Honestly, i don't see it happening. Mainly because she's out of my league and who wants to date a guy that is three hours away most of the time. But, that's not going to stop me from trying. I'll keep you updated on what happens.

Speaking of which, I'm going to go to the high school tomorrow. That should definitely be interesting. For many reasons. I can't wait to tell Hub about my life so far and see what he has to say about it.

Song of the day:

Coming Home by Diddy & Dirty Money Ft. Skylar Grey

Chip Off the Ol' Chap.

So this is it. I'm home. And not going to lie, i miss springfield :(

The main reason for this is A) empty house. B) it was cold as nuts in the house and C) the weather is GROSS so i can't go anywhere to see anyone. And to top it off, Seckman is out of school tomorrow, and i was looking forward to going and visiting everyone so much! But i guess it'll have to wait until friday now.

I am determined to go on a date while i'm home. DETERMINED. that doesn't mean i'm going to settle, no, if the right girl i want to go on a date with doesn't want to, then i'm just shit out of luck. BUT! that doesn't mean i can't try! Tommy guessed who the girl was yesterday. teehee.

So i got so bored that i started watching movies. i ended up watching "easy A". surprisingly, it was a very good movie! very out of the norm. while i was watching it, i started to think about stuff. I thought about how i wish i would've been this age in say, the 40's or 50's. Mainly because i love the old fashion stuff, like diners and jazz clubs. But also because that is back when being a gentleman was something that was praised upon. Now a days, it's really nothing. I'm not saying i'm the best gentleman in the world, but it would be nice to live in a society where the majority of males are. And to balance that, live in a society that the majority of females are not bitches. Being a classy girl was something every girl tried to be. Not the biggest bitch. Then i started to think about trust. Trust was something people held so close to them back then. It was everything. Losing someones trust wasn't possible. But now, trust means nothing. I hold it high, but most people don't. People lie left and right, and feel no guilt what so ever.

Anyway, enough of that. I can't wait till the weather gets somewhat better so i can actually go out and about and see people! i guess tomorrow i'll probably go get some supplies to restock the fridge and probably pick up either Black Ops or Gran Turismo. Or maybe Madden '11. We'll see. haha.

Song of the day:
Shake Up Christmas by Train

P.s.: New Fast Five movie (final installment of the fast and the furious) is coming out April 29!

MADDEN! finals. MADDEN!

Ah, the sweet smell of victory. Too bad i won't be smelling it. These finals have anally raped me! There is not question that they have been a GPA killer. but hey, it's all good, for now :/. I have my LAST final tomorrow, in psychology. which i have yet to study for. boo.

I got my Pi Kapp jacket yesterday! and i've been so excited! haha. i know it sounds really stupid and pathetic, but wearing letters isn't about showing people up and thinking/acting like your better than others. It's all about pride. Everyone in Pi Kappa Phi are so prideful of wearing the letters because we are so proud of being in the fraternity. I also got my baseball tee with my letters. so it's been a good day, other than the fact that i have to take FINALS! GAH!

We're watching charlie brown right now. don't ask why.

I thought about you today. It was the first time in days that i have. Well, first time in days that i did for a significant amount of time. I miss you. I wonder if you do too. Or if you even remember who I am anymore.

I can't wait to go home. I know i say this is every blog, but the reason i want to go home is more than just the fact of being home. There's someone i want to see. Someone I haven't seen in months. the only thing i'm dreading is going home, and being alone. But what can you do, right?

Tommy's making sexual references to charlie brown......

Natalie Kuehn and i talked about high school today. how we miss it, yet we wouldn't trade college for anything. I love college so much. But it's weird looking back and thinking about how easy high school was. And to think, we all thought we were busy back then. ha. Some people tell us to forget about high school. You shouldn't forget about it, high school is what molded you and made you a part of who you are now.

Now, onto yoga pants. after coming to college, i have found a new appreciation to these gifts from the big man upstairs. Yoga pants is proof that god is a dude. :) Oh the joys of walking around campus.

Tommy and i have played so much Madden lately. mainly because that's what we use to blow off steam and take a break from studying and staring at books. MADDEN!

Song of the day:

Castle Walls- T.I. feat. Christina Aguilera

"I facebooked the shit out of her!"

So this is my first post for awhile, i think. haha. I've been meaning to get one out for awhile now but with finals week here its been really hard to find time to just sit down and write. but right now i'm doing laundry so this seemed like the perfect time haha.

what has my life been like lately? well, really good. like i said before, my luck has totally turned around. things are happening in my life that i never would've dreamed possible if you were to have asked me a month ago. It's a whole new me now, and i really like the way i am. I have changed things about myself and i've even changed ways that i look. now i can wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and be able to smile. mainly because i know who i am, and i'm damn proud to be it.

As for the old news, well it's old news. everything has died down, and now i'm to the point of not even caring what she does. because the less i care about her, the more i am being able to enjoy myself here, and enjoy life with all of its glory. simply put, i'm enjoying being single and everything that comes with being single, such as being with other girls. haha. but honestly, i still can't flirt like i used to. but sometimes, i don't have to. and i'm totally fine with that.

With this week being finals week, i've spent A LOT of time in my room. and so has tommy. needless to say, we have gotten bored at times. so we've watched a lot of tv, played way too much madden, and yelled "balls" and "fuck" at the top of my lungs WAY too many times out of frustration because of our finals. but tommy has definitely been the best roommate i could've ever asked for. we get a long so well and he's always here for me when i need him. plus we both act VERY similarly so that's always a plus.

I seriously can't wait to go home. for various reasons. some people know one of the reasons ;) but really, its going to suck. because everyone will be going home and have a family waiting to greet them and spend time with them. i get to go to a house that's going to be DEAD. i already feel lonely cause my parents are gone and so is my sister. at least when they were here i knew they were here. even if i didn't see them. it's just going to be really weird spending the holidays alone :/

and for those of you wondering what my title means, last night i spent some time with my friends here and we were making cookies in the grand lounge. then we started chat rouletting while we waited. we came across a canadian that was so awesome! anyway, at one point he told us that he has a girlfriend that he's been with for a long time. we asked where they met and he said that they went to high school together and one time at a dance he lifted up her dress all the way. needless to say, she didn't talk to him for two years. so we asked him if she didn't talk to him for two years how did they end up together. he was pretty straightforward when he said, "well after about four years i looked her up and facebooked the shit out of her!" Best. Quote. Ever.

Castle Walls.

FINALLY DONE WITH CLASSES!

Now, onto finals! ug. on the bright side though, i'm loving my life right meow. It's really funny how things have turned around, and how my luck has TOTALLY turned around. Every morning I wake up, and other than going to class, i'm happy. It has been SUCH a long time since that has happened. Everyone was right, i am better off without Rachel, at least for now. I've realized how many girls actually do like me, haha. But seriously, i'm starting to focus on me, what i want to do, and enjoying Missouri State for all it has to offer!

I'm still very indifferent on whether i want to be an RA or not next year. On one side, i would be pocketing over six thousand dollars a year, but my responsibility would be through the roof and i know this sounds bad, but i wouldn't be able to go out to parties and such like i do now. Granted i don't party that much to begin with, but i like to go out every now and then to let off some steam. and then there's always the whole leaving tommy thing. Being roommates with Tommy has been an absolute BLAST. I seriously could not have asked for a better roommate. I don't know. i'm going to have to ponder on it a little more.

Studying abroad. Well, most people know i want to study somewhere else very badly. but i only want to go for a few weeks. And the place i want to go is England. Again, i'm still indifferent about it. but it's okay because that isn't going to be until later in my college career.

I actually can't wait to go home! For a few reasons really. Girls. Of course. Seeing all of my friends again! and BLACK OPS!!!! I can't wait to be reunited with my PS3 and play black ops for hours at a time. and who knows, i might even get in a few dates with a certain someone while i'm home. as of right now, i'm focusing on tonight and this weekend. this weekend is going to be study central. but tonight, i'm celebrating the end of classes. girls basketball game and HOOKAH LOUNGE! YES!


P.S.: If you haven't figured out yet, the titles of my blogs are usually songs. i know the last one was and so is this one, but i'm not positive about the others. :)

SING.

It's funny how the amount of hate she put out directly influenced my happiness level. The more hate she had towards me made me feel a lot better about the situation. Why? Because the more and more immaturely she acted, the more and more I realized I was better off at this point in my life without her. And of course, her new boyfriend trying to act like a hardass via Facebook was just plain HILARIOUS. He tried convincing me that he was an upgrade and not a rebound. He tried doing this through a quote said by his brother. This said brother got a girl pregnant. A girl the same age as her. Lmao? Hell to the yeah! Where does this leave me? Well, to be honest, it leaves me in a spot where I can search for who I am. I can focus more on me, what I need to accomplish, and finding someone that is willing to actually treat me right for once.

Saturday night was a night that I definitely needed, especially after the past month. And to be honest, I've never been happier to be single. I definitely played the field that night, and it felt amazing. I know it sounds very wrong, but I kissed so many girls in one night it's crazy. But it wasn't anything intense, just friendly stuff. All in all, I had a BLAST. Being surrounded by my brothers that love me unconditionally, and some of the cutest girls on campus.

Today I woke up thinking about someone. And I am SO happy to say it wasn't her. It has been a long time now that I haven't woken up in the morning thinking about her. But guess what, it finally happened! I was thinking about another girl however. That girl, well, I'll tell you who later on. :) Needless to say, it's definitely going to be interesting when I go back home.

Urg.

So, Rachel and Mike are officially dating. That alone has pretty much killed me. Before she had just stomped on my heart, now she stabbed it.

To add to it all, she deleted all of the pictures of her and i on her facebook. What the hell? Like honestly, none of this makes sense. NONE. And the thing that sucks the most about it all is that i can't get over her. STILL. I tried so hard, and i finally thought i was going to do it, but then i just start randomly thinking about her. With the whole facebook thing, she pretty much set fire to my heart.

Natalie took down all the pictures of her in my dorm. And as thankful as i am for that, but i'm not as insane as rachel is. I want her pictures around me. I can't stand this right now. I'm starting counseling soon. Mainly because my sister is making me.

I wonder if she reads these still. Something tells me she doesn't. I really really really wish she did. So she could see the SHIT i'm going through. God, if there is a god, what the HELL. I don't care if this is what is supposed to happen, there are other ways of making this happen. Less painful ways. I wanted to get close to you but lets face it, this has driven me further and further away. No god would make his child go through this pain that i'm going through.

"Grenade" by Bruno Mars. Listen to it. Explains EXACTLY how i feel and how my life is right now. Thank you Rachel Clark, for fucking my life up.