We Will Fade.

Today is the most family interaction i've had in a long time. It consisted of talking to my sister on facebook so she could tell me that she is stuck in Dubai until today (USA time) and won't get back to the states until the 31st now. So then i had to call my parents and let them know what was going on. My mom gets so excited when i call. It's quite interesting. Then came the final phone call to my aunt in Alabama to let her know about my sister's situation because she's the on that will be getting her at the airport. Granted none of the conversations lasted long, it was still something.

I'm thinking about driving down to Alabama after new years for a few days so i can see my sister and spend some time down there. We'll have to see how everything works out though. Cause it's a long drive. :/

I bought five movies the other day from Blockbuster. Five movies for 20 bucks! Can't beat that. I've already watched four of them, so that leaves me with the Road that i haven't seen. Well, i've seen it, just not since i've bought it.

I decided to have people over for new years eve. That should be interesting. Most of the people have been at my house before but some of them haven't. Plus i'm not exactly sure how to do any of that party hosting nonsense. Oh well, i'm a boy, i can use that as an excuse.

I'm gonna go spend the night with my brother Matt today! I seriously can't wait for it. I miss him along with all of my brothers and MSU friends. I miss MSU in general. So much. It's funny because everyone misses it, even the seniors that have been there for four years. Home loses its charm after awhile.

Each day passes by and each day i find myself thinking about all the possibilities. Thinking about the what if's and the what could be's. I still can't find anyone quite like her. I wonder if she'll have the decency to wish me a happy birthday in a month and a half. Doubt it. Highly doubt it.

I feel like i need to get out of here. Like there's nothing left for me here. I want to go to England SO bad. Just to get away from here. Maybe once i leave for a long period of time with no contact what so ever i'll be able to find myself and people will figure out whether they really need me in their lives or not. I've always wanted to get away and not talk to anyone the whole time and not visit at all. And then make my grand return, to see all the changes and see who's still around. I think next spring i'm going to either try to go to England or do an internship at Disney World. I need to figure out who i am. Because as many changes as i've been through, i still haven't found my "soul". And i feel so empty.

Lesson of the day: beagles love blueberries.

Lonesome at its Best.

Today is December 26, 2010. Exactly 7 months ago i thought i had my whole life in check. Nothing could go wrong. A month and a half ago, i made a choice, a decision, that i would carry out on this day. And today, i realize that decision would've probably been the worst decision of my life.

Lately, my life has been pretty flustered. Most of it consisting of sitting at home watching movies. I go out whenever anyone wants to do anything. There's only so much to do around here. I miss being up at school so much.

My goal for the break probably won't be happening. I tried. I think? And trust me, it sucks. I'm surrounded by so many, yet feel so lonely.

This is a short post, mainly because i still can't figure out a way to put my feelings into words.

Third Time's a Charm?

I'd be lying to you if i said i wasn't lonely. I'd be lying if i told you i don't miss my old life. I'd be lying if i told you i was totally happy.

Now don't get me wrong, i am happy, just not totally happy. I love my life right now, but i was more content with my life before. And by before i mean a few months ago. My parents are gone, my sisters gone, and i'm lonely. All of my best friends are out doing their own thing. But the funny thing is, it doesn't even have to do with any of that, for the most part. I feel empty inside. I'm used to always having someone, at very least, having someone to talk to. And now i don't. So i find myself blogging. Joy.

My brother Matt came and spent the night with me friday. It was nice having him here. He's always looking after me and making sure i'm okay. That's a brotherhood.

What does the title mean you ask? Well, the first girl I had, the love of my life, i pushed away (Rachel). And now she's gone, and never coming back. Next up, I had Haley right there. Right in front of me. She was all mine. And of course i pushed her away too. And now she's dating someone else. Hopefully the third time's the charm? Some of you know who that person is. Honestly, i don't see it happening. Mainly because she's out of my league and who wants to date a guy that is three hours away most of the time. But, that's not going to stop me from trying. I'll keep you updated on what happens.

Speaking of which, I'm going to go to the high school tomorrow. That should definitely be interesting. For many reasons. I can't wait to tell Hub about my life so far and see what he has to say about it.

Song of the day:

Coming Home by Diddy & Dirty Money Ft. Skylar Grey

Chip Off the Ol' Chap.

So this is it. I'm home. And not going to lie, i miss springfield :(

The main reason for this is A) empty house. B) it was cold as nuts in the house and C) the weather is GROSS so i can't go anywhere to see anyone. And to top it off, Seckman is out of school tomorrow, and i was looking forward to going and visiting everyone so much! But i guess it'll have to wait until friday now.

I am determined to go on a date while i'm home. DETERMINED. that doesn't mean i'm going to settle, no, if the right girl i want to go on a date with doesn't want to, then i'm just shit out of luck. BUT! that doesn't mean i can't try! Tommy guessed who the girl was yesterday. teehee.

So i got so bored that i started watching movies. i ended up watching "easy A". surprisingly, it was a very good movie! very out of the norm. while i was watching it, i started to think about stuff. I thought about how i wish i would've been this age in say, the 40's or 50's. Mainly because i love the old fashion stuff, like diners and jazz clubs. But also because that is back when being a gentleman was something that was praised upon. Now a days, it's really nothing. I'm not saying i'm the best gentleman in the world, but it would be nice to live in a society where the majority of males are. And to balance that, live in a society that the majority of females are not bitches. Being a classy girl was something every girl tried to be. Not the biggest bitch. Then i started to think about trust. Trust was something people held so close to them back then. It was everything. Losing someones trust wasn't possible. But now, trust means nothing. I hold it high, but most people don't. People lie left and right, and feel no guilt what so ever.

Anyway, enough of that. I can't wait till the weather gets somewhat better so i can actually go out and about and see people! i guess tomorrow i'll probably go get some supplies to restock the fridge and probably pick up either Black Ops or Gran Turismo. Or maybe Madden '11. We'll see. haha.

Song of the day:
Shake Up Christmas by Train

P.s.: New Fast Five movie (final installment of the fast and the furious) is coming out April 29!

MADDEN! finals. MADDEN!

Ah, the sweet smell of victory. Too bad i won't be smelling it. These finals have anally raped me! There is not question that they have been a GPA killer. but hey, it's all good, for now :/. I have my LAST final tomorrow, in psychology. which i have yet to study for. boo.

I got my Pi Kapp jacket yesterday! and i've been so excited! haha. i know it sounds really stupid and pathetic, but wearing letters isn't about showing people up and thinking/acting like your better than others. It's all about pride. Everyone in Pi Kappa Phi are so prideful of wearing the letters because we are so proud of being in the fraternity. I also got my baseball tee with my letters. so it's been a good day, other than the fact that i have to take FINALS! GAH!

We're watching charlie brown right now. don't ask why.

I thought about you today. It was the first time in days that i have. Well, first time in days that i did for a significant amount of time. I miss you. I wonder if you do too. Or if you even remember who I am anymore.

I can't wait to go home. I know i say this is every blog, but the reason i want to go home is more than just the fact of being home. There's someone i want to see. Someone I haven't seen in months. the only thing i'm dreading is going home, and being alone. But what can you do, right?

Tommy's making sexual references to charlie brown......

Natalie Kuehn and i talked about high school today. how we miss it, yet we wouldn't trade college for anything. I love college so much. But it's weird looking back and thinking about how easy high school was. And to think, we all thought we were busy back then. ha. Some people tell us to forget about high school. You shouldn't forget about it, high school is what molded you and made you a part of who you are now.

Now, onto yoga pants. after coming to college, i have found a new appreciation to these gifts from the big man upstairs. Yoga pants is proof that god is a dude. :) Oh the joys of walking around campus.

Tommy and i have played so much Madden lately. mainly because that's what we use to blow off steam and take a break from studying and staring at books. MADDEN!

Song of the day:

Castle Walls- T.I. feat. Christina Aguilera

"I facebooked the shit out of her!"

So this is my first post for awhile, i think. haha. I've been meaning to get one out for awhile now but with finals week here its been really hard to find time to just sit down and write. but right now i'm doing laundry so this seemed like the perfect time haha.

what has my life been like lately? well, really good. like i said before, my luck has totally turned around. things are happening in my life that i never would've dreamed possible if you were to have asked me a month ago. It's a whole new me now, and i really like the way i am. I have changed things about myself and i've even changed ways that i look. now i can wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and be able to smile. mainly because i know who i am, and i'm damn proud to be it.

As for the old news, well it's old news. everything has died down, and now i'm to the point of not even caring what she does. because the less i care about her, the more i am being able to enjoy myself here, and enjoy life with all of its glory. simply put, i'm enjoying being single and everything that comes with being single, such as being with other girls. haha. but honestly, i still can't flirt like i used to. but sometimes, i don't have to. and i'm totally fine with that.

With this week being finals week, i've spent A LOT of time in my room. and so has tommy. needless to say, we have gotten bored at times. so we've watched a lot of tv, played way too much madden, and yelled "balls" and "fuck" at the top of my lungs WAY too many times out of frustration because of our finals. but tommy has definitely been the best roommate i could've ever asked for. we get a long so well and he's always here for me when i need him. plus we both act VERY similarly so that's always a plus.

I seriously can't wait to go home. for various reasons. some people know one of the reasons ;) but really, its going to suck. because everyone will be going home and have a family waiting to greet them and spend time with them. i get to go to a house that's going to be DEAD. i already feel lonely cause my parents are gone and so is my sister. at least when they were here i knew they were here. even if i didn't see them. it's just going to be really weird spending the holidays alone :/

and for those of you wondering what my title means, last night i spent some time with my friends here and we were making cookies in the grand lounge. then we started chat rouletting while we waited. we came across a canadian that was so awesome! anyway, at one point he told us that he has a girlfriend that he's been with for a long time. we asked where they met and he said that they went to high school together and one time at a dance he lifted up her dress all the way. needless to say, she didn't talk to him for two years. so we asked him if she didn't talk to him for two years how did they end up together. he was pretty straightforward when he said, "well after about four years i looked her up and facebooked the shit out of her!" Best. Quote. Ever.

Castle Walls.

FINALLY DONE WITH CLASSES!

Now, onto finals! ug. on the bright side though, i'm loving my life right meow. It's really funny how things have turned around, and how my luck has TOTALLY turned around. Every morning I wake up, and other than going to class, i'm happy. It has been SUCH a long time since that has happened. Everyone was right, i am better off without Rachel, at least for now. I've realized how many girls actually do like me, haha. But seriously, i'm starting to focus on me, what i want to do, and enjoying Missouri State for all it has to offer!

I'm still very indifferent on whether i want to be an RA or not next year. On one side, i would be pocketing over six thousand dollars a year, but my responsibility would be through the roof and i know this sounds bad, but i wouldn't be able to go out to parties and such like i do now. Granted i don't party that much to begin with, but i like to go out every now and then to let off some steam. and then there's always the whole leaving tommy thing. Being roommates with Tommy has been an absolute BLAST. I seriously could not have asked for a better roommate. I don't know. i'm going to have to ponder on it a little more.

Studying abroad. Well, most people know i want to study somewhere else very badly. but i only want to go for a few weeks. And the place i want to go is England. Again, i'm still indifferent about it. but it's okay because that isn't going to be until later in my college career.

I actually can't wait to go home! For a few reasons really. Girls. Of course. Seeing all of my friends again! and BLACK OPS!!!! I can't wait to be reunited with my PS3 and play black ops for hours at a time. and who knows, i might even get in a few dates with a certain someone while i'm home. as of right now, i'm focusing on tonight and this weekend. this weekend is going to be study central. but tonight, i'm celebrating the end of classes. girls basketball game and HOOKAH LOUNGE! YES!


P.S.: If you haven't figured out yet, the titles of my blogs are usually songs. i know the last one was and so is this one, but i'm not positive about the others. :)

SING.

It's funny how the amount of hate she put out directly influenced my happiness level. The more hate she had towards me made me feel a lot better about the situation. Why? Because the more and more immaturely she acted, the more and more I realized I was better off at this point in my life without her. And of course, her new boyfriend trying to act like a hardass via Facebook was just plain HILARIOUS. He tried convincing me that he was an upgrade and not a rebound. He tried doing this through a quote said by his brother. This said brother got a girl pregnant. A girl the same age as her. Lmao? Hell to the yeah! Where does this leave me? Well, to be honest, it leaves me in a spot where I can search for who I am. I can focus more on me, what I need to accomplish, and finding someone that is willing to actually treat me right for once.

Saturday night was a night that I definitely needed, especially after the past month. And to be honest, I've never been happier to be single. I definitely played the field that night, and it felt amazing. I know it sounds very wrong, but I kissed so many girls in one night it's crazy. But it wasn't anything intense, just friendly stuff. All in all, I had a BLAST. Being surrounded by my brothers that love me unconditionally, and some of the cutest girls on campus.

Today I woke up thinking about someone. And I am SO happy to say it wasn't her. It has been a long time now that I haven't woken up in the morning thinking about her. But guess what, it finally happened! I was thinking about another girl however. That girl, well, I'll tell you who later on. :) Needless to say, it's definitely going to be interesting when I go back home.

Urg.

So, Rachel and Mike are officially dating. That alone has pretty much killed me. Before she had just stomped on my heart, now she stabbed it.

To add to it all, she deleted all of the pictures of her and i on her facebook. What the hell? Like honestly, none of this makes sense. NONE. And the thing that sucks the most about it all is that i can't get over her. STILL. I tried so hard, and i finally thought i was going to do it, but then i just start randomly thinking about her. With the whole facebook thing, she pretty much set fire to my heart.

Natalie took down all the pictures of her in my dorm. And as thankful as i am for that, but i'm not as insane as rachel is. I want her pictures around me. I can't stand this right now. I'm starting counseling soon. Mainly because my sister is making me.

I wonder if she reads these still. Something tells me she doesn't. I really really really wish she did. So she could see the SHIT i'm going through. God, if there is a god, what the HELL. I don't care if this is what is supposed to happen, there are other ways of making this happen. Less painful ways. I wanted to get close to you but lets face it, this has driven me further and further away. No god would make his child go through this pain that i'm going through.

"Grenade" by Bruno Mars. Listen to it. Explains EXACTLY how i feel and how my life is right now. Thank you Rachel Clark, for fucking my life up.

A Hero of War.

I don't get it, i don't get it, i don't get it.

I really wish i had the hate in me that i did for so long right now, just so i could hate her. Do i want to hate her? No. But she hates me. And i'm tired of being the one that's down and out. I'm tired of being the one that waits around for her. I'm tired of being so god damn weak. Are things going to change? No. She talked to me today. One text. Only to prove me wrong. To "show me up". It seems like that's the only way she will. And it's killing me. I told her today, that she doesn't care if i'm alive or dead, what i do for her doesn't matter, and that what i'm accomplishing here definitely doesn't matter. But i don't think she realizes the extent of that message. The fact of the matter is, i could be dead, and she would never know. And my GUT feeling tells me that she wouldn't really care. She's the only person i ever want to tell my accomplishments to, but again, she doesn't care. Not one bit. Why do i tell her? Let me tell you.

I've said on here before that i do everything for her. Well she's the only one i've ever wanted to impress. Even when we weren't together. I still remember being on the marching band field while i was a drum major and she was with Jordan. I would specifically yell at him when she was looking and always tried my hardest when i knew she was around me. And to be honest, it was out of instinct. So now, i just want to tell her about the things i do. But the downside to all of this is that when i tell her, i don't get anything back. I've yet to celebrate my exec position in Pi Kappa Phi, and now, i've yet to even feel happy at the fact that i got accepted to be an Emerging Leader (they took 60 out of 131).

I wonder if she secretly does care, but just won't tell me. I really wish she would just talk to me. It would make things so much better. As much as i absolutely hate to admit it, even though her one text to me today was quite bitter and mean, it made my day. It made my heart race again, just for a second.

I keep having dreams about her. I used to have dreams about dieing, as i told Natalie. But now they are dreams about her. About seeing her and me explaining everything to her and her mother (weird, i know). But every single time, she hugs me. And every single time i wake up with a bitter sweet reaction.

------------------------------

I refuse to ever call that kid my friend ever again. Because no human with a heart says the things that he had said. As for her, through thick and thin i've looked after her like my little sister. So for now, she's okay.

-------------------------------

I've been praying. Yeah. I really have changed.

--------------------------------

Just give me a ray of hope, so i at least keep going and don't give up on myself. Because as long as i know you haven't given up on me, i will never stop fighting. And you know that. Always and forever. This is our kind of love. :/

Turkey Day Can Burn in HELL.

Going back home was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Mainly because I knew I wasn't going to see her. And through all the shit she has said to me, and all the shit everyone has said to me and done to me, I still miss her so much.

My sister asked me today if i was feeling better. To be honest, i'm feeling worse. As each day goes by i can feel my body getting weaker and weaker. It's not even heart break anymore. There's got to be something else wrong. Cause i literally feel physical pain within me. And it's getting harder and harder for me to concentrate on things. I'm going to be going to the doctor in about three weeks, after my parents leave and i go back home. We'll see what happens.

I've started to make myself go through pain. I make myself listen to a song that i know is going to rip me apart over, and over, and over again. (Dumbledore's Farewell by Nicholas Hooper). I make myself look at her pictures just so it will remind me of all the crap i've done. I make myself remember the memories. And to be honest, i do most of this just so i can feel anything. Happiness seems like something that happened so long ago, and i can't even remember the last time i smiled just because, or better yet, had a real smile.

A girl asked me the other day if i was gay. Obviously i said no. Usually i don't question when people ask me that because there are a lot of people that think that. However, this specific person and i had just now become friends, so i wanted to know what made her think i was gay. She said that was the only logical explanation for a guy looking like me to not have a girl. I explained to her that my "girl" had just broken up with me a few weeks ago. What she said to that, well, i'm not going to say in public. Hint: it was the funniest thing i've heard in a LONG time.

Founders day/Snowball is next weekend. Guess who doesn't have a date still. Fail.

The Show Goes On.

So I went to an independent living home today for my freshman class to finish up my service learning hours. Today we took about 7 of the senior citizens to the mall and the students paired up with one of them and pushed their wheel chair around.

The lady I got was someone that specifically asked for a "good looking young man." She was full of life. It was such a blast going around the mall with her. We talked about relationships. At one point she turned to me and said, "Well I'm sure a guy like yourself has a girlfriend to love." I told her, "I have someone to love, but she broke up with me two weeks ago. I don't think she loves me anymore." We talked about all the troubles we had and she told me about her own life. She started to explain to me that if someone can't give you a second chance, or a third chance, or as many chances as it takes to keep the love going, than they don't truly love you. I'm sure she said this just to comfort me, but she told me that if she really, full heartedly loves me, she's going to realize it. She's going to figure out that she has a void in her life, just like you've figured out. And then she will come back to you. She said that love doesn't go away. Ever. And if she's not the one, then she's not. She pointed out that she was with a guy for a year when he decided to break up with her so he could join the military. The next guy she met was her husband. They dated for nine months and got married. They were married for 45 years when he passed away.

I started writing a new book the other day. My heart is pouring into it. It's something I feel very passionate about. We'll see where it goes. To be honest, I started it hoping that I would finish it soon, that way she'll finally be proud of me.

My Love.

Everyone keeps telling me to cheer up. That this is a new beginning. That everything happens for a reason and sooner or later this will pass over. That's a bunch of crap and everyone knows it. Rachel Clark was easily the sole person that could see past all the bullshit in me and got to know the real me. And she accepted me.

Rachel was and still is my other half. Opposites attract for a reason. Everything I'm not she was. She's like this little package of perfect that God sent down for me. She's the one that kept me on track and the one I work for. People ask me why I'm doing finance as my major. I used to tell them for my parents. But I've quickly realized that it isn't for my parents, not at all. It's for her. I know that she's going to become something great, and if I expected her to stay with me then I had to become something myself. I wanted to make her proud.

Ever since last Sunday (1 1/2 weeks ago), I've been a wreck. Anyone can see that. I've been a walking zombie on campus. I talk to no one. I have to force myself to talk the little amount that I do. I have to force myself to eat. I can easily say I haven't had a full meal in a while. I have to force myself to go to bed at night and wake up the next morning. Simply put, I want to die. I never truly knew what people meant by the saying "my heart hurts." Boy, do I know now. I would never, in my darkest days, wish what I feel upon even my greatest of enemies. This feeling is horrid.

The weirdest part is, the feeling doesn't hurt so much when I talk to her. But she refuses to talk to me. And for every moment she doesn't talk to me, the more and more this darkness within me is settling in. Ironically, in my psychology class we're talking about how heartbreak and stress can cause heart attacks and death in young men. Sometimes I call her just so I can hear her voice on her voicemail.

I had my mind set that I would drive home today, even though it was six o'clock. But Tommy convinced me otherwise. I just can't go on without talking to her. And she just doesn't realize how badly it's killing me. I feel so helpless because the only means of communication I have with her are via text and phone call. Those are easily ignorable. What do I do? Call it quits? Definitely not. I can't give up on her. As silly as it sounds, I truly full-heartedly believe (still) that she is the one and that I will marry her someday. Call me crazy, but it's true.

The thoughts I used to have two years ago are back in full force. And they are showing no signs of giving up. For those of you that read my poem, that was me sitting on the bench. That was me hoping someone would come up behind me and make me happy. Every morning I wake up, with the hope of going to sleep and never having to wake up ever again.

Overwhelming Feelings

I can't describe this feeling I've had this week. On one hand, October was one of the worst months of my life. But the minute November started, well, lets just say it was a new beginning.

After this week, I now have over 60 brothers that will do ANYTHING for me. It really hit me when I got to talk to my big brother, Nick Balla, for hours about my biggest fear. And the fact that he just sat there and listened and let me know that I can't let that change me and suppress the real me over passes anything anyone has ever told me. I could tell that everything he was saying to me wasn't because he was obligated to as a big brother, or because he's the president, but because he truly loves me. The funniest thing is that I've known these guys for eight weeks. Just eight weeks. But in that short time they are the guys I love the most. I trust each and every one of them with my life. They trust me with theirs as well. I know they aren't going to judge me for my feelings or for the things I say, and the things I don't. With everything I do in my life, they will be the ones that will be right behind me, truly backing me up.

We are not a FRAT. We are a fraternity of men. We do not buy friends. We create a brotherhood. These guys are the ones that will be there for your wedding and funeral. The bonds never break. It is so great for once, having a group of people ready to drop anything that they are doing to go out with me when I'm not doing well. Yes I've had and have this in my life. But I never had it here with me. And now I do. Pi Kappa Phi. We. Will. Lead. KAPPA CLASS fall '10

Man in the Mirror.

I'm alive. If that's what you would like to call this. No I'm not dead yet. But for some reason, I can't see my reflection in the mirror anymore. I keep searching for it, and I guess out of frustration has driven me to what I like to refer to as "insanity".

This isn't who I came here as, and this isn't any variation of who I've worked so hard to be. It feels as though everything inside me is, quite honestly, dead. I can't even tell my own girlfriend how wonderful she is and that she will do great in everything she does. Who is this? I try so hard to escape my thoughts and my anger during the day, and by the night falls I find myself staying up half the night thinking. About what? That's just it, I can't figure out what I'm thinking about.

Sometimes I wake up wondering why I even woke up. The only thing that keeps my going is the feeling of belonging in my fraternity. I'm in a bitter mood five out of the seven days, get angry everyday and come to the verge of tears every night. I'm slowly losing it. With every step forward, I'm burning the path behind me.

I look at my friends, that are long gone. The friends that I used to call my best friends, well, I can't really tell you how they are. Truthfully, I haven't heard from them in months. The ones I do have here with me have stayed loyal, for the most part. In a world of knowing so many, I've never felt so alone. I've found that it is extremely difficult to find a person now a days that is willing to just have a conversation with you in person. About nothing in particular. Just some interaction, a nice conversation to get your thoughts out and mind off of things. I guess that's what happens when your girlfriend lives three hours away and society is dependent on cell phones.

The only thing I can hope for is that tomorrow will be a better day. And usually it is, to most. But for some reason it gets worse and worse in my eyes. I can honestly, without a doubt say that my heart has never hurt so badly, and my soul has never felt so weak. The funny part, she's still here. How long she decides to stick with this fool is up in the clouds.

What will tomorrow bring? Happiness? Hardship? Anger? Depression? As I fall asleep tonight, I will wish that when I awake and look in the mirror, I will see myself. Instead of nothing, and being disgusted.

College. Life.

First post in a LONG time. And this is my first post after being in college. After being here for six weeks, things have totally been put into perspective. It's funny how things work out. Everyone always says "we'll talk everyday when we all leave!" but how many actually keep that promise? I can honestly say I have about five friends that make an effort to talk to me at least a few times a week. And for that, I absolutely love them. Obviously my great girlfriend talks to me everyday.

Speaking of which, it's funny how things worked out with Rachel. I honestly can't believe how well things are between us. The fact that most of our friends thought we would break up as soon as I left made us even more determined to prove them wrong (four months!). I have no doubt in my mind that we will keep going. She is what makes me want to do better here, and prove to everyone what I can really do. I'm constantly trying to do better in school just so I can make her proud of me.

I've been hammered by a few people about the things I say, and quickly after have received apologies from them. To be honest, I don't mind what you say to me. Just be careful with what you say. "Frat parties" and "social suicide" are two examples. Am I mad for people saying stuff like that? No. Does it tick me off? Yes. Because they don't know what a fraternity truly is until they are a part of one. And they also do not know where my social life stands. Am I trying to bash anyone? Absolutely not. I am merely trying to explain so there are no more comments about these things at later times.

After being at college, I've come to realize a lot of things. Keep the friends that show they care as close to you as possible. They will be the ones that will be getting you through life. Always stand by your word. Don't back down just because you're outnumbered. If you have something to say, say it. No need to linger around and not express your thoughts. Don't hold grudges. The more hate you carry within you, the more you whither away piece by piece. You need all the energy you have to focus on other, more important things. Forgive and forget. Things happen, people say things, and the past can never be changed. So just let things go and move on with your life. The biggest thing I've learned after being here is knowing where my place is and where it is not. I've learned that high school was my past. My time is up. I'm not a part of that school anymore. I let go of it, and I try to stay out of their business. Marching band has been great to me for four years, but again, my time is up. It is time for others to shine. It is not my place anymore. And I am perfectly content with that. I just wish more people would realize this.

This is life. Nothing more, nothing less.

Live it. Feel it. Love it.

Soaring Time

Looking back, it’s hard to prove what was real and what was not. It’s a toss up. I sat on a bench a few days ago and saw two birds soaring as if they were one. I couldn’t help but think that’s how life should be. What those birds had was real. They had no cares in the world. They ripped through the air like there was no tomorrow. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my life. But sometimes you can have the best friends a person could ask for, a supportive family and even a significant other that you love, yet you feel empty. Not necessarily your heart, but something inside of you is missing. I’m not quite sure what that missing factor is, and I may never know.

The truth is, most of the things we will do in our lifetime will mean nothing. It will get us nowhere, and it will not make a difference on the outcome of your life. However we still do them because that is the way we’ve been programmed. Maybe we do it to get this empty feeling away or to just feel real.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot of my future, as do most individuals. And with thoughts of the future came thoughts of time. How just a year makes such a difference on how a person thinks and matures. It truly is funny how things take on a whole new meaning as you get older and go through more experiences. I always thought that every person that told me a year makes a difference was plain out dumb. But I understand exactly what they meant now.

I furthered my thinking adventures when the topic of separation gracefully crossed my mind. Again, I always thought that I would be the exception when people would say you lose contact with even your closest friends after graduation. Man, was I wrong. Reality is a storm that will take you by surprise. And lately, I’ve come down to reality a lot! Since graduation, my close friends have steadily been dwindling. I can’t blame them. We’ve got our own lives to live now. I still try to make an effort with the ones I want to stay close to, whether it be a conversation via text, or even a lunch date to catch up. But I’ve learned fairly quickly that you can’t fight on every front. You have to pick the fights that mean the most to you.

It’s crazy how fast everything comes. How fast you have to grow up. While I was sitting on the bench envious of the birds in flight, I began to tell myself how I need to grow up; mainly with responsibilities. Reality hits hard, and when it does all you can do is think. Think about who you were, who you are, and who you want to be. In the end, you can only control the future ahead of you. I can’t change who I was in the past, or what I’ve done. What I can do is change who I will be and what I will do. I’ve grown up a lot with this past year. I’ve learned a lot. I know how it feels to be broken. I know how it feels to be lost, to feel controlled, and to feel as though there is only one way out. I know how it feels to be picked up and brought back onto my feet.

You can’t always expect things to go the way you planned. You can’t hold on to the ones you’ll be leaving. You have to learn to accept the change, and let people go. Because that is the only way you can move on in your life and make something of yourself. As Gandhi once said, “My life is my message.”

Not Afraid

What do you do when you fall so low where getting up is not an option? What do you do when everything you've ever mapped up gets torn to shreds? Everyone goes through tough times. And there are no answers, no solutions, no tricks or patterns.

I've hit rock bottom. But, I'm slowly floating back up. I wise woman told me that everyone thinks differently. Even the slightest age difference in your teen years means decades. An 18 year old thinks much differently than say a 16 year old. I've learned that you are given chances to start anew, and that these chances should be utilized to the fullest.

Enough of that philosophic stuff. On to my life. Well, here's the low down. You get hit, you stand back up. You get hit twice, you get up even faster. You get blown to shreds, you accept the damage and move on. Everyone gets what they deserve, and sooner or later, you will get yours. No one deserves to be lead on, not a soul. It really hits hard when you sit day in and day out fighting and trying for something you never had. You sit and wonder what could you possibly be doing wrong, and than it hits you-- you aren't doing anything wrong. I never got the fair shot I deserved to get you, and you know that. I never crossed your mind as much as you say I did, and you know that. You kept me in the dark, talking mindless circles. But you will soon find out, my dearest, that everyone gets their own. You said you never wanted to lose me, well, you just ran a flawless course on how to lose someone.

It's nothing personal. However, I feel I must tell you, I'm not afraid. This is it, I'm done. No more saying things just to please you. No more doing things just to please you. You think it was bad before? Just wait dear, dawn will not arrive until Hell rises.