One Day, I'll Be Perfect.

So here's the deal. I'm home, and i'm watching this movie. Obviously it's an indian movie. I mean, that's what i do when i'm home.

Any who, it's all about a guy that jumps through hoops and goes through all of these obstacles, only so this girl that he really likes can be happy with someone else. And he knows the whole time that he's doing this for someone else's happiness. The whole time i couldn't help but think how relevant this is. I will say, i haven't done everything i could to make you happy. I am so sorry for that. But i knew from the very beginning i had no chance. And the further we got into everything, the more i realized we would be awesome for one another, but it would never happen. Because he makes you happier. Such is my life.

I've got so much thinking to do. To be honest, i'm hoping to get a text from you saying "I'm done thinking :)". But i know it's going to be more of the lines of "I'm done thinking......" And that's okay. Because like i told you, i'm bracing myself for it. I have this whole thing worked out in my mind, whether it actually happens or not. But after the whole Rachel thing, i've began to only think of the worst possible situation. Mainly because i don't....i CAN'T get my hopes up. Because in the end, you end up losing the most.



Song of the day:

Perfect by The Undeserving

EDIT:

I feel like i need to let you into my mind. Here it is:

Everything i feel about you is so REAL. And i know this, because i've had a life full of feelings that i thought were real, and i made myself believe that they were real. I told you before and i'll tell you again, you're the type of girl i don't need to "be with" to feel absolutely amazing. I can talk to you, lay around with you, hell, just SEE YOU and it makes my day so much better. I went through a relationship with Rachel where i tried to convince myself everything was real and that everything was perfect. I'm not even with you and i already feel like this is a more healthy relationship than hers. You said you don't want to go exclusive. I can't tell you how okay with that i am. I'm so effed up right now that that would be absolutely amazing. And you keep saying i've given up. That doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm no where close to giving up. I tell you that you're my sunshine. Why would i give up on that? Better yet, why would i try to convince you that i haven't given up if i have? Come on silly, look at it logically :P.

I just want everyone to know that i've been so happy this month. And nothing, NOTHING that happens, is going to change that. I want to show you what i can do for you, and that i can make you happy. All i want is a chance to do it. Boosh. That took way too much out of me. Time to go think some more. WOOO.

Crap.

I screwed up grandpa. I screwed up big time.

You always taught me to put others before myself. And I didn't I put myself before her. I put myself before everyone. Now I'm hurting her more than ever. This isn't what I had intended. Not at all.

After being so caught up in going undecided and being around her, I forgot that everything I say and do not only affects me, but the ones around me. I messed up your life. I'm the one to blame. Not yourself. No one else. It seems like I've become a master at this.

I'm sorry. That's all that I can say.

Roseball tomorrow.

One Day We'll Live Out Loud

Sometimes I wonder, what would life be like if I would have made some different decisions. I wonder about where I am here, who I've met, and what I've done. None of which I change.

I wonder what it would be like if I would have stayed home. What would my life be like? Would i still be with Rachel? Would I be closer to the friends that I've grown away from? It's all truly a mystery.

Now this doesn't mean I'm second guessing the decisions I have made. I am quite proud of who I am, what I've accomplished, and where I'm headed. But something makes me think about what life would be like and how different it would be if I would have done things a little differently.

I'm purely happy. Most of the time. And to be honest, I haven't been this way in such a long time. Something is different. About life, about me. And that is the reason that has brought me to think about everything. Would I still be this happy if I would have made different choices? Would my parents be happier and more proud of me if I would have stayed home and gone to a more "prestigious" university? Would I finally live up to everyones expectations and not be a let down? Or would I have been a let down to myself? Such. A. Mystery.

Song of the day:

Save Us by Cartel

Remembering Rebirth.

Today is initiation for the new guys. All I've been able to think about all day has been about when I went through it. The whole week. How it felt. All the emotions that were flowing through me as I began the journey of joining a brotherhood. But, now when I think about it, I'm on the other side. The emotions are still flowing, but in a different way. I'm going to gain six more brothers tonight, and I couldn't be happier.

Today has been a very odd day. I woke up not feeling too good (mentally), but as the day went on, I realized that it's actually been a pretty great day.

I gave a tour today, and during the tour I just started to think about why I'm doing this. I absolutely LOVE giving tours and being able to talk to prospective students along with their families. I think those two hours, as draining as they may be, are always the best two hours of my day.

I don't know why, but I find it really weird on the days that I don't see certain people that I usually see.

I got to hang out with her today. I brought her pizza because she was too lazy to actually leave her room and go eat dinner. But it was nice to just sit around and do nothing for once in the day. It's funny how a person can relax you. That's what she does. Maybe that's why I like being around her so much. That and probably the fact that we have everything but our mothers in common. I really like where we're at right now. There are just a few things that I'm not happy with. But guess what, not everything is perfect. And maybe in time, things will change. Whether it's what I want or not, I'm okay with it as long as she's happy. But that's a story for another campfire.

Emerging leaders retreat tomorrow and Sunday! WOOOOOO.

Song of the day:

Never Forget You by Lupe Fiasco feat. John Legend

Bottle It Up, and Let It Go.

I'm lost. I'm completely lost with my life right now. I don't know what i want to do. And it's frustrating the hell out of me. If business isn't me, than what is?! Is it public relations? Is it graphic design? Is it geology? Or is it the one thing i've been trying to push away...Law?

I have no clue. But through and through, i'm walking forward. I know i'll figure it all out one day. I just hate not having a plan and feeling like i'm wasting time as my friends keep progressing forward.

And then there's this girl. The girl that in this short period of time has gotten to know me inside and out. She knows everything. And the best thing is, the second i see her face, everything gets better. She's the girl that i can lay around for hours at a time and not even say a word. The girl that will run her hand through my hair while i take a nap. The girl that i've always wanted, but never found.

You know, i told you to do whatever you needed to do. I never told you not to be with him, nor to break up with him. I merely said that if you're going to drop a friend for a boy, don't expect them to be around. You say i dropped you for her. No. I didn't. I stopped talking to you all on my own. We hit some rough patches. And that was that. People do change. But asking someone you care about to not talk to someone they care about doesn't make sense, now does it. I know i was crappy to you. There's no doubt about it. And that was over a year ago. If you ever want to talk to me am i going to ignore you? No. You know i wouldn't do that. I'm just not going to try and put forth the effort first. I'm happy for you, i really am. And i really do hope that he turns out to be everything that you're hoping.

Song of the day:

Iridescent by Linkin Park

Boom Goes the Dynamite.

Welcome home.

I am officially an undecided major. Why? Because being a finance major just wasn't me. What is me? I have no idea. I don't even know where to start. But i'll figure it out. Sooner or later. As of right now, next semester i'll finish up the whole whopping 3 general ed classes, my RA class, and a couple of random classes to figure out what i want to do just so i can get over that 12 credit hour hump.

I'm home. I told my parents about my choice of going undecided. Needless to say, Sunday cannot get here fast enough.

I've only been here for a few hours and i already miss Mista. She came by after i was done with classes today to say bye. She just layed in my bed while i packed and then we just sat around for a little bit before i had to go. And to be honest, stuff like that is the stuff that means the most to me. The fact that i can just sit around with her and not even be close to being bored. I'm probably going to leave here early on Sunday because her and i are planning on grabbing some dinner or something before our meetings.

86 degree weather + no air conditioning in the jeep + three hour drive = not a very happy me.

I cannot wait for Roseball. Grrrrrr.

I wish i could just stay at MSU forever. That would be ideal.

You can't talk to me because of him. Hm. That is quite, odd. The fact that he even told you that you can't talk to me is quite odd. Someone's a bit nervous. Any who, it's ultimately your choice, and you can do whatever your little heart desires. Don't expect me to just be here after you drop me because of him.

I can't wait till next year, mainly because i won't have to come home as much. :)

Song of the day:

Knockout by Lil Wayne feat. Nicki Minaj

In the Name of Glory

Over the past couple days i've noticed and realized a few things. The best things in life are meant to work for. Nothing is going to be handed to you, and nothings going to be easy. However, there is a difference between JUST working at something for the sake of making it work, and working at something to better the future. Of course, this mostly applies to relationships/friendships.

I've been extremely busy lately. I know i say that in just about every post. But it's true. To be honest, this week and next week aren't going to be any better. Not by a long shot. This week is our No Boundaries week. NOBO week is basically a full week we devote to our philanthropy, PUSH America. This whole week there will be two Pi Kapps in front of the student union pedaling a bike, all day and all night, this whole week. And next week is our initiation week. So i'll be busy for awhile.

On a lighter note, i'm going home this weekend. I'm not exactly sure if it's a good thing or not. I kind of don't want to leave here. Mainly because everyone is here and plus i'll have to leave Mista.

I failed my microeconomics test AGAIN. But i think i did fairly well on my accounting test. Hopefully.

This situation with Mista is hella complicated. But guess what, she makes me happy by just being around me and talking to me. And that means so much to me. I don't even have to be with her to feel amazing. I truly think there are awesome things in store for both of us. I can't wait to experience them :)

I absolutely cannot wait to start my job as an RA. I'm super excited for it and excited to have my OWN room. My own room that is AWESOME. As much as i will miss having Tommy as my roommate and the shenanigans we have, being on my own and being an RA is going to be a blast. I'm finally trained as a UA and am giving solo tours now! Everything's going fairly well, just very stressful at times.

I guess that's it for now. I can't really think of much as of this moment. I'll try to keep posting as much as i can!

Song of the day:

See Me Smiling by Yellowcard

Hello world. This is going to be somewhat of a short post. I'm doing it via my iPhone so I don't want to sit here and type it all out with just my thumbs.

Life lately has been amazing. I've been super busy with everything. Yesterday I had RA training all day. It was okay. I was just really tired and sleepy through it all. But I got to spend a lot of time with Mista :)

Speaking of which, her and I are doing pretty well. We still talk all the time and her and I went to a party together last night. It was so much fun. I didn't drink much just because I knew I'd have to be responsible. She's everything I want in a girl. Everything I've ever wanted. And now she's my date for Roseball! I'm so excited for it now.

Anywho, I will have a longer post with other details upon life soon! So stay tuned :)

Song of the day:

Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet