Made IT.

Alright, let me start out by saying i know i broke my promise. To be honest, there just hasn't been much going on lately to write about. Being home is just, boring. I don't know how some of these people do it. I don't know how they stay here for college. I don't know how they come home as much as they do. I just don't get it. It makes absolutely no sense to me. I'm pretty sure i would end up killing myself if i had to stay here for college or go even close to here. There's just NOTHING here at home. Absolutely nothing.

That's one of the biggest things i've come to realize this break. I have nothing here for me anymore. I honestly don't know why i come home other than to see my parents and just be in this house. And to be completely honest, i only need a day or two for that. There's nothing here for me. Never will be. There's no one left here for me either. I just don't belong here.

I guess i always kind of knew that. I just didn't want to admit it. But with everything that has been happening in my life lately, i just grew up. I grew up a lot. And with growing up, i let go. I let go of so much this semester. It's been an ongoing thing, but i think this semester i finally actually let go. I let go of my "hometown", of my high school, of my high school friends, of everything i was back then.

I'm no where near the person i was back then. I find myself seeing people from high school or talking to them via text/phone call, and i have nothing to say to them. My life is just so different and the person i am now is different. No one that knew me then really knows me now.

In a way, i really like that. I found myself. I found my purpose, and my passion. I found the person i was meant to be. I found what i am capable of, and what i'm not. In its simplest form, I GREW UP. It's scary. It really is. But i kind of really like that too.

 I guess what i'm trying to say is, my goal for college is actually coming together a lot sooner than i thought. I can look into the mirror and be proud of the person i am. To sum it all up, I made something of myself. A person that people want to be, and a person that's known. A person that i'm so incredibly proud to be.

Song of the day:

Fear by OneRepublic

Well Damn

I'm sitting here in the library. I have been for about two hours now. And the only thing i've accomplished is finding two sources for my ten page paper due in less than a week. And on top of that, i have a geology test that i have in less than a week as well. Actually, the test and paper are due on the same day. I hate everything. And the thing is, youtube distracts the HELL out of me. I watch one video, which just makes me want to watch another one, and so on and so forth. It kind of sucks. A lot. So i guess i was officially dating a girl. For a week and a half. It obviously ended. She was crazy. But not THAT crazy. Any who, it was a nice change of pace from the usual. I am officially the recruitment chair for pi kapp. Which is pretty neat. I will be quitting my job as an RA to pursue recruitment. One door closes, another opens. Go me. I will also be CONSIDERING to go out and represent Pi Kapp for Greek God during Greek Week this upcoming semester. We shall see how my mind sets on that one. Any who, other than that everythings been hell. It is definitely a week from hell and i'm just taking it a minute at a time. GAH. Song of the day: If I Ain't Got You by Jay Sean

Looks

So today i went and got a haircut. I kind of needed one, but it was mainly cause i wanted it to be shorter. Anyway, i tried a new outfit out today as well after i got my haircut. Here's the thing, most of you know that i don't see myself the same way other see me. I honestly don't find myself to be attractive or cute or anything like that. But today i looked in the mirror, and damn; I looked fucking good. It was weird. Like everything just flowed and it all pieced together. So overall, it was a good day. I've figured out that if you look good, you'll feel good. And if you feel good, you'll make sure you have a good day and nothing brings you down. That's exactly what i did. Hopefully i have more of these "awesome cute/good looking days" in the near future. I could use them! Song of the day: Happiness by The Fray

Here We Go

I need to start writing again. It's just so hard to do it when i have so much other crap going on in my life. But i guess i need to make time for it. Writing was something that kept me sane. It was something that kept me going, and for the most part, made me look at the brighter side of things. It brought out the inner emotions, and lets face it, it's what made me me. Some days i wonder where it all went, why i just stopped all of a sudden. I think it had to do with the fact that deep down inside, i knew i wasn't good. I also knew that it was going to get me nowhere. But recently i've realized that maybe it has nothing to do with the fact that i'm bad, or that it's going to get me nowhere. Because i always wrote for me. I never wrote for the sake of one day getting published or so that people would tell me how good i was. It was all because i needed to get some emotions out. So that is what sparked this whole revamping of my writing.

Something else the world should probably know. This new girl has got me wrapped around her finger. And i'm cool with that. Kind of. I guess we're kind of dating now. Maybe. I'm not exactly sure. It's complicated.

Song of the day:

Are We All Forgotten by Paper Route

Listen Up Missy

This post is just for you missy. And you know exactly who you are. (i feel like we're little kids bickering at each other every time we do this through posts haha)

Any who, just so you know, i don't sleep around. I promise. I haven't been with anyone in a long time. If you're hearing stories than they're stories. Do i hook up with them? Yeah, probably. But not sex. And yes i do remember their names, ya butt.

ANNNNNNNNND. I actually don't drink that much anymore! I know, shocker. Mainly because since i'm an RA now i have to be mister responsible for my building. And on top of that i want to be president of my fraternity next week which would mean absolutely no drinking. Sad day. But i miss you. A lot. It sucks that we don't/can't talk anymore. But i love the random texts you'll send me on holidays haha. And i am still the new/old me. If anything, i'm a better version of that since i don't drink as much and all that jazz. A lot has actually happened this semester that i have to tell you about, but it's not the easiest thing to do since our communication is really spotty. But i'm sure at one point or another we can talk about all of it.

I miss you a shit ton!

Song of the day:

Young, Wild, and Free by Snoop Dogg ft. Wiz Khalifa and Bruno Mars

Holy Shit

So here's the thing. I didn't know running for president was going to be this stressful. Everyday, from the moment i wake up from the moment i go to sleep, that's all i can think about. Every conversation i have with anyone leads to my running for president cause they either want to know how it's going or what my plans are. But the hardest part is hearing about the other candidate campaigning like a mother fucker. Which scares the hell out of me. But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that i still have to do my everyday stuff. Like i still have to do all of my RA business, every single day, I still have to go to Distinction in Public Affairs tomorrow for two hours, and to top it all off, i made it to the second round for becoming a SOAR leader this summer and my interview is on tuesday. Like running for president isn't enough pressure, i have all of this other added pressure and then people getting on to me about stepping up my game for campaigning and then semi-formal season is here and i got asked to two sorority semi-formals but i can't go to either of them cause i have other stuff going on that same night. AND my semi formal is in 3 weeks. Guess who doesn't have a date? THIS GUY. FML.

Song of the day:

Perpetuum Mobile by Penguin Cafe Orchestra

Don't Know Where You're Going

There's something about happiness that is magical. I'm beyond tired. Beyond drowsy. Beyond sick. And beyond just drained. But at the end of the day, I can always go to sleep happy. That's been the one thing that's been keeping me going. I can't tell you the last time i got a full nights sleep, or the last time i wasn't sick, or the last time i had more than one meal in a day. But i can tell you the last time i smiled, the last time i felt on top of the world. That's all it takes i guess. Everything will just fall into place. It always has, and it always will. Just don't force it. Be who you want to be and be whatever makes you happy.

Song of the day:

Ass Back Home by Gym Class Heroes ft. Neon Hitch

That One Girl

Tonight, i had a random girl that i have never seen before in my life come up to me and tell me something. It seemed like this girl knew me better than most people that i call my friends. As creepy as it sounds, and trust me it was pretty damn creepy, she just started telling me stuff about myself. she started saying how i'm the type of guy a girl wants, but will never like. She told me that every girl WANTS to like me, but they never can because of the way i am. I didn't get it, so i told her to explain it. She proceeded to tell me that it wasn't my fault at all, and that there was nothing i could actually do about it. She said that girls just "fawn" over me. Now at this point i had no idea what fawn meant, so she told me, and then it made sense. She said that she bets that i have never striked out before, which is true. She said that i could have a booty call ready in a text with less than three words. She was right. I asked her how she knew all of this about me. She told me that it wasn't hard to figure out. People talk. She said that being a sorority girl has its perks, one of them being that you figure out which one the guy to go after is, why he's the guy to go after, and then you figure out why he's still single. Again, she was right. There's a huge reason why i'm single. I have booty calls, i made out with three girls this past weekend; in one night. It's tuesday and i had the opportunity to go home with someone. I'm a hoe. But i can't stop. Everyone else has stable relationships and stable girls. I can't have that. So instead of just being lonely and finding someone, i go from girl to girl; just so i don't have to be lonely. I guess the whole point of this story is that i've changed so much. Everything she said made me think about high school, and then it made me think of halloween, two years ago. I don't think i've ever had a more perfect halloween yet. I miss that stability.

Song of the day:

I'm On One by DJ Khaled

Ps: i'm really surprised i just wrote all of that out with minimal mistakes. You can take a guess why...stay classy.

Rolling On

Yet another quick post.

I've come to realize what all I can actually accomplish if i really try. I'm sitting at a 3.6 GPA for the semester. I can't believe it. My goal was a 3.0. I'm so excited about it.

Elections are getting closer and closer. And i want to be president more than ever now. Things are looking real good for it too. God, i can't wait.

Now that homecomings over, talks about Pi Kapp's new homecoming king candidate for next year have been rising. The name that's being said the most? Yup, mine. Funny thing is, i actually have a really good chance at getting it too.

This is all what i came here for. I wanted to make a name for myself and be known. I wanted to be remembered. I'll be damned if i'm not.

Song of the day:

Marvin Gaye and Chardonnay by Big Sean

Hold it up

I just want to blog this really quick because i'm hella tired from the first night of our haunted house and i just wanted to document this feeling for the future when i'm on my ass.

I live a very blessed life. And i take it for granted SO much. I have anything and everything a college student could ever want. I go to a large university and i am KNOWN. I can get into any club/group/organization/job i want on campus or in this community. This isn't me being cocky or anything. Just appreciating everything i've been given. I'm a student leader, and i have a damn well perfect life. Now that's something i don't ever want to give up or forget.

Song of the day:

Heartbeat by The Fray

Baby, Break Away

Everytime i come i get two thoughts.

1. I need to get away from here for good and never look back.

2. This is where i want to come back to when i get older and raise my kids here.

Now i know that these are polar opposites. But hear me out. Sometimes i just feel like i need to get the hell out of here. I just need to leave this place, realize that there is more to this world and move on with my life. I just want to get away. Not have to ever come back here and see these people ever again. Cause let's face it, if you've ever been to Jefferson county, you'll know exactly what i'm talking about. It is TURRRRABLE.

But then i go out and see people with families that know one another since their childhood. They all came back to raise their kids here and start a family here. I would get to be with my friends again. Our kids would grow up together knowing each other, being kind of like a family. I'd be in the town i basically grew up in too. These are the thoughts that run through my head. As much as i hate being from Jeffco, i've come to realize that your town shapes who you are. It's where you come from. It's where you go, and it's the place that will forever be with you.

In other news, spring break = trip to Boston? Perhaps! :D

Song of the day:

No Harm by The Boxer Rebellion

Here's The Thing

I'm not exactly sure what to write about. I guess for so long i would blog all the time so i would always have a new story to tell or something to progress on. Now, i blog once or twice a month and i just don't know what i should say.

This is all my fault. I don't take time out of my day to just sit down and write like i used to. I guess that's something i can write about; change. Granted that is something that i write about all the flippin' time, it's something that has been on my mind lately.

I saw someone's status not too long ago that said something like, "Seeing people change isn't what hurts, it's remembering who they used to be that does." I could careless how this relates to people in my life. The first thing that i thought about was how this statement exemplifies me and my life. If i was on the outside looking in, would i hurt just by remembering what i used to be? Do i hurt, just being me, remembering what i used to be?

I'm not sure at all on how i would answer those questions if i had to answer them. I guess the only reason i don't have to answer them is because i'm scared to know how i would answer. Let's be honest here, everyone loves change. It's not until change happens that we begin to think about the past and start to hate change. Since it's me, i obviously think i changed for the better. Did i? What if it's all a matter of perspective, but it's only my perspective that's wrong.

I wonder if anyone even reads this stupid thing anymore. What am i thinking. I never had "writing ability." Just people being nice. Time to face the truth. It is what it is.

Going home for fall break. Probably gonna go to the homecoming game. Anyone gonna be there? Figured. Not likely.

Song of the day:

Asleep by Emily Browning

Burned Out

I do too much. I've come to this conclusion. All on my lonesome. I just do way too much. And there's nothing that i can do about it. Because it is who i am.

I can't keep this up very much longer. It's starting to catch up to me. Getting involved is what i do best. It's the only thing i know how to do, and quite frankly, it's the only thing i'm good at. But i can't keep doing this to myself. I'm drained all the time. Is it worth it? Hell yeah. But it's still too much.

And even with this realization, i've got big plans. I'm almost sure i'll be running for president of Pi Kappa Phi, which is a HUGE deal. That would be my biggest feat in my life. I'm also going out for SOAR which is the summer orientation dealio. I just got accepted into and have already started the Distinction in Public Affairs program. And i am in the process of applying for Greek Week committee for this spring. Yup, i get way too involved, but this is only the beginning. I'm only a sophomore. Can i really keep this up?

I'm only a sophomore. I'm only a sophomore. I'm only a sophomore. I keep saying this, and it sinks in more and more. I'm so young. And i have such high hopes. This can't keep happening.

Song of the day:

Souvenirs by Switchfoot

For the Record

It took me quite a bit of time to figure out where i wanted to sit in order to write this blog. Yeah, i'm that flustered.

It's been a rough weekend and day so far. I'm just, tired. Physically, mentally, and metaphorically. I have no motivation to do anything.

I started thinking a lot about my life, mainly the getting involved aspect. All i could think about was all of it being a waste. Let's face it, i'm only doing all of this to make a name for myself. To leave something behind greater than myself. To be somebody. But what if it's all just a big hyped dream. What if this is getting me no where. Because to be honest, i feel that way a lot.

I'm scared that my goals just won't be achieved. I know so many people, and even more know me. But it's just not enough. I want more. I want it all. I want to be able to look myself in the eye and know, that i am everything that i ever imagined myself being.

My plans seem to be impossible. I don't see them happening, at all. I can see my career plans happening, but not my personal plans.

Being an RA is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But at the same time, it's holding me back from everything i want to be. And i know, as long as i'm an RA, i will never be able to accomplish the things i want to, and need to.

Lauren is absolutely just, GAH. I'm not falling for her head over heels. Which is a good thing since i tend to do that. But i still have feelings for her. I'm attracted to her. And she's just what i need right now. But she's being so damn difficult. Can you blame her though?

Watching Mike lavaliere Sam tonight just made me break down inside. The amount of love those two have for one another is just astounding.I want something like that. I want to love a girl so much that i am giving her my letters. As stupid as it may sound, that's a huge deal. I want to meet the girl that will make me want to change. The girl that will make me want to stick around for her. The girl that will make me want to be everything that i want to be.

If you couldn't tell, an attack is coming on. I'd say by Wednesday or Thursday (at the very latest) it will be in full swing. Gotta love it. Here's to preparation for a week or two from hell.

Song of the day:

Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes

Guess

Who just applied for a distinction in public affairs?! This guy! What the hell am i doing?!?!

I keep doing all this stuff, and i have no idea why. I just am. There's no rhyme or reason behind it. But hey, i guess it'll be beneficial?

My life choices are beyond questionable at this point.

I keep doing things that i know i shouldn't, yet it's what makes me happy. Is that too much to ask for? Like for real? Is a job really that important to where you shouldn't do what makes you happy instead? Maybe i did sign my soul away.

What am i doing with my life. FUCK.

Song of the day:

Los Federales by Signal Hill

AH Fuck.

I've been thinking a lot lately. One thing i've been thinking about is how i want to go see her perform. As much as i dislike her, i'm still proud of her. And part of me misses when that was my time. Everything just seems harder now. I guess because instead of high school being your life, the real world is your life now. And by god, real world life is a bitch.

Song of the day:

I Think I'm Paranoid by Garbage

Yes Sir

First week of classes is over! WOO!

This semester is going to be extremely interesting. My classes seem fairly down to earth, and they, for the most part, have been keeping my interest.

This whole RA business gets pretty old really quickly. We'll see if i can keep it up. But on the bright side, my boys are AWESOME! They're all fun to be around and are always talking to me. So that's definitely nice.

Hot fourth floor chick. That's her code name for now. I know her name, and she knows mine. However, for now we shall refer to her as such. We shall see where this goes. Hopefully somewhere.

After becoming an RA, i've realized i need to find a lady friend, or this year is going to be brutal. If you don't know why, text me and i'll fill you in.

Thats it for now i guess.

Song of the day:

I Like the View by Lil Wayne

The Life Of

It's been twenty days since i've posted on here. Through those days, i've been checking this everyday to see what everyone else has posted.

For the past two weeks, i've been going through RA training. 12 hour training, multiple hours after to do building work and hall work, three scheduled mandatory meals, all every single day. No breaks. It was brutal. But i must say this, i've gotten so close to some people. My staff has proven me wrong and they have become yet another family for me.

It has been really hard to juggle everything lately. But on the bright side, the whole RA side is calming down, A LOT. Now i can start putting in the focus i need to for my fraternity and my classes.

Things are going fairly well, i can't complain. It's great to be back here though. Definitely missed springfield and being around everyone. This whole experience has made me grow up a bit. Which is a good thing. I needed to straighten myself out.

I do get lonely sometimes though. Living by yourself will do that to ya. It's okay though. I'm sure i'll find a companion soon enough.

Having all of these seckman kids here absolutely SUCKS. Now i see why everyone goes out of state. GTFO!

Song of the day:

After the Flood by Black Gold

Devil Town

I've been torn between a lot of stuff. Mainly my life. A lot of it just doesn't make sense anymore.

I've been watching a lot of Friday Night Lights. And when i say a lot, i mean i've watched every single episode from seasons 1-4 and a few episodes from season 5. Now before i go any further, i'm going to go ahead and say this. I now see why this show has been nominated for an Emmy. It is truly the BEST series i have EVER seen. It just pulls you in and keeps you there.

Now since i've been watching a lot of said show, i've been thinking a lot about where i want my life to be. What i wish my life would be. And what i want for my future. I huge chunk of me wants to be back in Alabama. As much as i'm always bitching about it, and hating it when i'm there, i've come to realize that it was the place i grew up. Basically. But then i think about it more and then it hits me. I don't want to really be in Alabama. I just want to be back in the south. But more so than that, i want to be in a small town again. A small town where everyone knows everyone. Where your schools only consist people from your town. That's what i want. That's what i want for my kids, for me, for my life. I've always grown up in a small town, and i truly miss it.

I've come to another realization that i've been trying to figure out for quite some time now. Yes, i do want a relationship. I just couldn't figure what if i wanted one or not, because lets face it, being single has its perks. However, i'm definitely ready for a relationship. I don't care if i'm in college. This is the perfect time to find that person for you. The person you're supposed to be with forever and always. I'm ready, and i'm up.

I'm leaving on sunday to start this new semester. Can you believe it? I'm finally leaving. This is it.

Song of the day:

Devil Town by Tony Lucca

ALIVE.

What a word! I mean, i truly feel alive right now! It's a great great great feeling. I can't believe how well everything has been going lately. It's been an absolute blast. You have no idea.

Summer meeting was everything i wanted/needed and SO MUCH MORE. It blew my mind. I couldn't believe how much i missed my brothers and all of my friends down there. And for us to all be back just felt, right.

I met someone this weekend too. And she's kind of great. Never thought i would be where i'm at if you would've told me saturday morning. Funny how things change within hours. I met her, and we hit it off like no other. And guess what? We're going out on a date on friday :)

Yes, i'm alive. Finally.

Song of the day:

The Adventure by Angels & Airwaves

Late Night Talks

Talked to you for over two hours last night. Holy hell. Talk about memory lane. I miss the hell out of you. I really do. I love when we have our talks though. It's like nothing ever really happened, like we're still those kids making those same mistakes, but it's okay because we're happy. I don't know, it's weird. But a good weird i guess. It's funny how i still remember everything. And i mean EVERYTHING. Go figure. Everything happens for a reason. Good things happen to those who wait. There's always a reason. Those three lines basically sum up our whole lives.

Song of the day:

Miss Nothing by The Pretty Reckless

It Ain't Easy

Lately i've been thinking a lot about the future. How i want to grow up and such. It's weird, cause Alicia posted something extremely similar to this. But while my sister was in town we got to hang out for a bit. We started talking about how growing up may seem scary, but it's so awesome. I told her how i absolutely love college, every minute of it, but i have this urge to just graduate from college, from law school, and have a career. A career where i can make money and do whatever i want with it. Buy a car if i want to, a house, whatever i want and need. And then i can get married and experience all of that.

Then i saw Mic's post about names for kids. And so i started thinking about kids. I want a girl. Definitely. And name her Ava. Just because i really like that name. It's weird, thinking about all of this. I thought about it, and i'll be 20 in six months. I'm already going to be 20. It's just so weird saying that. I've been so used to being in the teens and everyone else being in their 20's that now it just seems as though it's something that's not me. It's weird. Very weird.

In other news, project jeep is complete for the summer. Upgrades include: bigger A/T tires, new brakes, new windshield, new bulbs for the fogs, bed liner on the bumpers and siding, and newly installed today is my new pioneer head unit! Now when i get time over the semester i want to get a lift, side step bars, and various other things.

Going down to springfield on friday or saturday! I haven't decided which day yet, but i'm SOOOOO pumped!It's going to be epic!

Speaking of springfield, i called the scholarship appeals committee yesterday to see what the fuck is going on. Here's the deal, my appeal has been approved by the committee and will be renewed, however they are waiting to hear back from my actual scholarship service (the department that gave me the scholarship) to see if i completed my service requirements, which i have. SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was hella excited.

Song of the day:

Change of Seasons by Sweet Thing

Another Pebble In a Vast Sea

I can't wait to go see harry potter tomorrow! It's going to be EPIC. And then i can't wait for it to come out on DVD so i can go out and buy all 8 movies! So pumped!

Another thing i'm excited for is project jeep! I've finally started it! The cracked windshield kind of put it on delay for a week. But it is now on full throttle, kinda. I'm painting my bumpers and lower door panels tomorrow with bed liner. I washed it all today and prepped it so tomorrow i just have to take off some stuff and go at it! And then i'm going to be ordering a new head unit for the inside! WOOOOOO. I don't think i'm going to do the step bars during this break. I might order them later on during the semester.

My Sanuk's came in!!!!!! Holy jesus, they are SO comfy! I wore them around last night and basically all day today. I love them! And i've gotten so many compliments on them already! Definitely going to get some different styled pairs in the near future!

I've been talking to Kelsey on and off lately. It's actually really nice. She doesn't have the personality i usually go for, so it's a nice change. Honestly, i like just talking to her without any obligations. Especially right now during the summer.

Sometimes i wish i could go back and change so many things. Because i would in a heart beat. I've done so much wrong with so many people.

Song of the day:

Obliviate by Alexandre Desplat

Timing Fate

I just saw Natalie's post about timing, and although her reference to it is completely different that this, it made me think. Just the concept of timing throughout life. It's something magical. Something like fate or destiny. Now that you look back on your life, you see how the timing fits in perfectly with the rest of your life.

Fate and destiny are just two very, very weird things. It's hard to believe in them, yet at the same time hard not to. Looking back on my life up till this moment, it seems only fair to say that the timing of it all was fate. It all happened when it did for a reason. Timing.

Timing is everything. It could mean the difference between life and death, friendship and love, crying or laughter. I'm at a point in my life where it's time for new things. The "timing" is perfect for it. This summer i've gone through so many life experiences. And it couldn't have happened at a better time. Fate. I had sex for the first time this summer. I got to know people that i never imagined getting to know. I got to be a part of some great things. And i even smoked my first cigar (rather, the mini ones.)

The reason i began to think about all of this is because i started talking to someone. And if i hadn't taken the leap and initiated the very first conversation, i wouldn't have gotten to know her. Rachel and i broke up, and then i finally got the college experience. Timing. I got to experience so many opportunities that i know i would have never taken if that one bad event hadn't taken place. Mista happened at the best time as well. The time i needed someone the most, and it made me think about a lot of stuff; especially me. I realized that i'm ready for it. I'm ready to be out there again. Fate and timing. They work in mysterious ways. And now this new person. Right as i begin to feel lonely, and as going back to MSU approaches. Come on, you can't say that's not pure timing right there.

Netflix is my life right now. Nuff said.

Song of the day:

The Fight Will Be Your Own by Steve Jablonsky

One For Our Dreams

The tent is done and over with. I put in so many hours this year. I only had one day off. But i loved every minute of it. Going through it this year i realized that i am truly a leader. I always have been. I always will be. It's what i do. Maybe that's my passion. There were times when Dale left the whole tent and over 15 workers to myself to run. There were times on the fourth, the busiest day, where i had to run the whole thing for hours. Needless to say, it is EXHAUSTING! I don't know how he does it everyday for so many years. I'll let you guys know how many hours i worked total once i get my check.

Now that work is over, i'm just kind of sitting around again. Don't really have anything to do. My sister comes home in a week, and then i'll be going to alabama the week after that to get some stuff with my dad, and then the weekend after that i'll be going down to springfield for summer meeting, and then two weeks after that i'll finally be going down for good! So basically i have roughly a month at my disposal to do whatever. Most of it will be dedicated to get stuff done.

I've just been lonely lately. I'm not sure why. I guess cause so many couples worked at the fireworks tent and i was always surrounded by them. I'm ready for a relationship now. I know i am. It's just the whole waiting part now. Before when i wasn't ready i would have girls everywhere. But now that i am ready there's no one. Funny how that works out.

With the money i'll get from work, i plan on going through a transformation with my jeep. Basically just getting a bunch of stuff that i've always wanted for it. We'll see how far i can actually get this summer. Whatever i don't get done this summer will be postponed for during the year this fall when i come home.

It's time for a big get together of my high school friends. We haven't all gotten together in awhile. I don't see it happening anytime soon though.

Song of the day:

Lighters by Bad Meets Evil featuring Bruno Mars

Be It All

Lately i've been doing nothing but work. And i LOVE it. I love my job. It's every boys dream. Plus i get to be around some of the best people ever. It's definitely a change of pace.

And to top it off, my MSU friends have been coming by to see me! It's AMAZING to see them. I'm pretty good with life right now, not gonna lie.

I've literally been doing nothing but work. So after this week is i don't know what i'm going to do with myself. It's going to be really weird not to be working everyday all day.

I love to flirt. Like for real, it's the one thing i'm awesome at. And almost everyone that reads this blog knows that i am a sweet talker. It's what i do. But hey, it gets me what i want so why stop? :D

I guess this whole being single business has its upsides. But overall, i like having someone. It's just so much nicer. And let's face it, we all know i love attention. I need it. So it works for me.

I have "met" this really really really cute girl though. I don't really know her that well, so i don't know how she is. She's just very attractive, physically and personality wise. She's one of those girls that you can just look at her and know that she's a sweetheart. This is saying a lot since she's a blonde. I usually don't go for blondes, like at all. The really freaky/ironic part, her name is Rachel. HA! That could get weird.

Song of the day:

Guns and Horses by Ellie Goulding

An Incounter of the Ages

It's weird. I saw Rachel a few days ago, and man, was i going through a hurricane of emotions. Of course, i tried to play it off cool, you know, like nothings wrong. But in all reality, when her mom said Hi and Goodbye to me, it made my day. I mean, she's probably the single person in this world that probably wanted to literally kill me at one point. But she swallowed that pride and talked to me. Granted it was two words, but it was something. At first when i saw her, it wasn't a big deal. Whatever, we broke up 7 months ago. As the night went on, and then the next day came about, i realized that every single day of those 7 months, i've missed her. And then i sat there and thought about all of it. Dude, i was a shitty boyfriend. I'm not even going to sugar coat it. I was terrible. I think about all the situations that i would do differently now. I'm not dwelling on it, but i'm learning. I have learned. I'd like to think that with Mista i changed a lot of my old/bad habits. And they worked. Not for her, but for me too. They made me happier. But that's that. It doesn't make me miss her any less. I think i always will. Just like i miss Mic.

Yeah, we're friends, but i still miss us. I always will. You were my first love. The first girl that i not only felt something really strong with, but i had the balls to say something about it. It makes me happy reading all of your posts now. I can tell you are just on cloud nine. You got the boy. I was a shitty ass boyfriend to you too. I've thought about all the moments i would've done differently with you too. And when i look back at them, it makes me see how much you really did care about me. You were one of those girls that i was really proud of having. I loved showing you off to everyone. You know you're attractive. There's no doubt about that. But for a guy like me to get a girl like you was something incredible. Granted, you were a freshman and i was a senior so that probably had something to do with it. But it didn't matter. Not only are you good looking, but you have the heart of a million people. You care so much about, everything. You're passionate.

It seems like everyone is passionate about something. I can't find mine. I don't know what it is that i'm passionate for. Maybe that's a bad thing. I'm not sure. I guess i'll find it eventually. Until then, Optimus Prime it is.

TRANSFORMERS TONIGHT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I've been SO excited ALL day!!!!!!! But, the only thing that's going to suck about this is that it is a midnight showing, about a 2 hour movie, and i have to open tomorrow at 7. FUCK. Oh well. It'll be worth it!

Decision: Keeping my jeep cause it's just too sexy. Done. Transformation time? I think yes.

Song of the day:

Starry Eyed by Ellie Goulding

Summer Days

The reason i'm in a shitty mood today is because, i miss the holy hell out of you. As much as i shouldn't, i do.

I couldn't admit it, because i don't want to. I don't want to miss you. I shouldn't miss you. I can't. But i do. And i don't know why. Please make this go away.

British Tea

You remember when i said i was so bored with this summer? THE FUCK HAS THIS WEEK GONE?! It seems like just yesterday i went to springfield! HOLY HELL!

I've been working A LOT. 22.5 hours in two days. Plus the 5 hours i did on wednesday for Mr. Farmer's tent. FUCK.

So on my way home today my jeep decided to blow a tire. JUST FUCKING GREAT.

I have to open tomorrow and sunday. YEAH. FUCK EVERYTHING.

I have a right to bitch, so get lost if you don't agree.

Equal marriage in NYC? FUCKING LEARN YOU REDNECK CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN FUCKS! You know what, if you don't like EQUALITY, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY COUNTRY.

Okay okay. I'm done. Just kidding.

I want to move to to England. They've got it all. AND, they've got it right. Fuck America. Yeah, i said it. FUCK THIS COUNTRY. I'm moving to England. DONE. They have the BEST BEST BEST musicians EVER. Jay Sean was an AMAZING singer that didn't need catchy beats and repetition to make it big. This damn country did that to him. Fucker was good when he stayed to his roots. Accents rock my damn socks. And lets face facts here people, they are just all around fucking GORGEOUS. Their education system takes SHITS on ours. So damn classy over there. Fuck the redneck hoosiers here. I will never come back to live here in jeffco. FUCK THAT.

I think i'm done. hm........yes i am.

Honestly, this post was not supposed to go this way. I just got on a roll. I really only wrote this post just so i could do the song of the day even though NONE OF YOU BASTARDS LISTEN TO THESE AWESOME FUCKING GENIUS'S!

Song of the day:

Lights by Ellie Goulding

P.S: YES I HAD FUCKING SEX. GEEZ. AND IT WAS AWESOME. GET AT ME SMALLS!

Mash It to Bash It.

Alright so here's the low down. I am now home from the Springfield.

GAHHHHH. It was SUCH a blast there! Honest to god, i didn't think i would have had that much fun in just one night of being there. BUT HOLY NUTS. It was amazing! Walking around campus was so, exciting! It just made me happy. Especially seeing everyone, that truly just topped everything off. I love love loved it.

There is one thing that happened on this trip. I guess it's a pretty big deal. But, i don't really want to say anything about it on here because i know a lot of people read this and it's kind of a personal thing. I mean, i don't really even know if i want to tell anyone, just because i feel like it's for me. I don't know. Definitely made the trip something i'll always remember, that is for sure.

So i'll find out if i get to keep my scholarship or not in a week to two weeks. Grrr. I hate waiting. So much. Bad news when i got home, i saw that the Acura TL i wanted had been sold. So depressing. The reason its sad is because those cars don't come around very often to be sold, especially at a decent price. So i got really excited for it, even though i probably won't even be able to get a new car. I guess it's mainly for my own purpose. I love searching for cars and reading reviews on them and watching videos on them and such. Keeps me busy.

Obsession: Fratmusic.com. The mashup's station is to DIE FOR. Truly. Amazing.

Well, i have to start work tomorrow, so i should probably go to sleep. Perhaps. Night world.

Song of the day:

E.T. Feels Starry Eyed by 3LAU (http://soundcloud.com/3lau/e-t-feels-starry-eyed-3lau)

Butterflies

This summer is looking up. Honestly, I knew that this was going to happen. The beginning of summer sucked because, well, it did. But i'm finally enjoying my life now. Not to say that i don't want to go back to MSU, but home is a bit more tolerable now.

I guess the main reason for this is the fact that i've been hanging out with Brett, Becca, Tommy, and the whole gang a bit. I mean, it feels like we're back in high school and we have no worries in the world. Brett and tommy just drove to my house one night randomly and called me when they got here and we just went to Desoto for the hell of it. The random stuff like that is what i missed the most.

Brett, Becca, Kristin and i all went to St. Charles last night to spend the night at Nico's and have a game night. Needless to say, it was an awesome night. Again, the whole no worries thing. Except the 5 a.m. tornado sirens. And now all i have to do is write my statements for my scholarship appeal and then go off to springfield monday morning!

Speaking of which, i haven't even started on my statements. I know what i'm going to say for each criteria. It's just a matter of figuring out how to say it. I've been thinking about it every day but i just can't figure it out. Well, I'm going to have to write it tomorrow.

My sister and i got into it today over that issue. She seems to think that i'm using my grandpa's death as an excuse for slacking off. She thinks that all i did was party all the time. Truth is, i was doing fine up until midterms. And then spring break came, i was still okay. The very last day, my grandpa died. But you know what, it isn't an excuse, and the fact that she accused me of it sickens me. I screwed up. I know i did. But it's not for the reasons that she thinks it is. This semester was hell for me emotionally. The first 2 months i was still drenched in Rachel. And then i get out of that and start to get back to reality. My grades were fine. After spring break, we have a death in the family, i realize i bit off more than i could chew when it came to being involved, and i changed my major. I think the last one had the biggest impact. I was fighting with myself and my parents all the time over it. After awhile it took its toll. Yes i partied, but not enough to let it affect my grades. The fact that my grades are low is completely on me. And that's why I'm figuring this out.

This all came up because she asked if i talked to dad about trading in my jeep. And i told her about the whole scholarship thing. Then she just blew up at me saying that i need to take responsibility for myself and that i get whatever i want and she has to work for everything. EXCUSE ME. What have i gotten exactly? This vehicle that i MIGHT get if i keep this scholarship will be funded via trading the jeep and the financial aid money that i will be getting because i TOOK the responsibility to become an RA which is my JOB!! GAH! That made me extremely mad. Her logic was for me to trade the jeep in so she can use that money to get herself a new car and i take her camry. Um, ma'am, you have a BIG GIRL job now. You still have a phone that our parents pay for, a car that is insured and paid for by our parents, a credit card that our parents pay for, and countless other things. Why don't you take some responsibility?! You make over 120,000 dollars for christ sake. BUY YOUR OWN DAMN CAR AND STOP BITCHING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE GETTING ONE. Grrrrrr.

Anywho, this should all be taken care of shortly. And by that i mean my dad basically telling me no you can't get another car because that's usually what always happens when i get really excited about anything. So there is a 95% chance that my parents are going to talk their way out of letting me trade in my car, at which point i WILL get new tires for my jeep, i WILL fix whatever is wrong and is making my check engine light come on at whatever cost, i WILL get my axles looked at and fixed, and the countless other things that still need to be done. Hence, me wanting to get rid of it now, since it is a rolling fire death trap. One hit from the back and it will most likely catch on fire. AWESOME. But with that 5% chance of me getting another vehicle, i have scoped out a 2004 Acura TL. Pearl white with all the goodies. I am in love with this car. End of story.

And in other news, springfield is going to be AWESOME on monday. I met this cool new girl too. It's kind of neat. She's kind of neat. She's in a sorority and everything. But she's not your typical sorority girl. She's not your typical person actually. She's quite the odd ball. But, she's a great friend to me right now. Something most girls never take the chance to be. Butterflies.

Btdubs, i remember ALL of that too. And you know what i'm talking about and who i'm talking about. I remember every single moment we ever had. From the first time we held hands to the first time we hung out at a band party to our first kiss. EVERYTHING. Sooner or later, there will be a whole blog post dedicated to you. I'm not going to keep writing on this one because it's already hella long. Don't you worry though, many things shall be said in a timely manner.

Song of the day:

Save the World by Swedish House Mafia

Note: I really hope all of you guys actually check out the songs of the day because they usually tie in with the post itself. Mainly because the song of the day is what motivated me to write the post for each particular day and usually what i listen to while i write it as well. And i try to get music that isn't your everyday stuff so i can help you all broaden your musical horizon! K that's all :)

Pause and Restart.

So here we go. The road begins.

I'm not exactly sure where life is going to take me now. I totally just blew it all up i guess. But, i can't wait to see what happens. I really can't.

Mista and i have taken the road of friendship, for now. Not to say the book is closed, but for now we both need to figure some things out. I'm kind of in the stage where i want to go out there and see what i get. I kind of miss the mystery of it all. We'll see what comes about from that.

I am going back to springfield on monday! I am SO SO SO excited! Even though i'll only be staying there for one night, seeing everyone is going to be such an amazing feeling. I'm gonna be staying with shelby so that should be an adventure all on its own. I can't wait to see everyone. Especially shelby. We have become such great friends. I can't believe she'll be graduating soon. I'm not sure what i'm going to do without her. And i'll get to see my brothers, and some of the other girls like Paige. It'll be a nice change.

I've been watching a lot of The O.C. lately, and something i noticed was that they all have flip phones. When did smart phones and touch screen phones become such a necessity? It was nice seeing them with flip phones, because they didn't text everything to one another. When two people in a relationship would leave one another they would say, "I'll call you later" and not "i'll text you." A part of me thinks that we need to all go back to those days. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love my smart phone and i love to text. But it consumes my life. I feel like if i were to lose my phone i would lose my life. That shouldn't be the case.

I've been seriously thinking about trading in my jeep. Mainly because gas is just ridiculous. And i'm pouring a lot of money into it. A lot of little things just seem to always go wrong, and although they are little, they add up. I tested the waters with American made, but i think i'm always going to like imports better. I'm looking into maybe trading in the jeep for a used Audi. We shall see.

Song of the day:

Starlight by Muse

Let's Do The Time Warp

Getting together with the group last night was, just, amazing. I can't even describe how nice it felt to see them all and do what we always did, just hang out. THIS is why i come home. It definitely reminded me that.

Words cannot begin to explain how much i needed last night. I was on edge, ready to break. But last night was just, refreshing. It brought back old times when we were all always together and nothing could separate us.

I've been doing pretty good lately. I haven't been so attached to my phone. Well, it's always with me, but i'm not constantly texting someone or anything. It feels glorious. I've been able to get my head screwed on straight and get some thoughts figured out.

Seeing you brought it all back. I missed you so, SO much. I hate the fact that i can't see you all the time. I told you that we have to make these summers and christmas breaks count, because that's all we're gonna have. I didn't know how much i missed you until i saw you and hugged you and talked to you and everything. And it's bringing everything back to me. But i'm not complaining. Not one bit.

Ha, i almost teared up there during this post.

Song of the day:

Into Dust by Ashstar Command <--- look this song up and you will NOT be disappointed! It's like 9 minutes long. The first couple of minutes is straight instrumental. PURE BLISS.

Look At Me Meow.

Here we are again folks, and might I say, what a fancy seeing you here.

Truth be told, i haven't been doing much of anything since i've been home. I wake up, eat, watch some t.v., take a shower, eat again, watch more t.v./movies, and then go to sleep. There has also been a lot of YouTubing going on.

But in this time, i've been able to get a good bit of thinking done. I mean, it hasn't really been progressive towards anything, just thinking in general. Lately i've been thinking about two things, grudges and dreams. Let's address the first of the two.

GRUDGES! AH! RAWR! I don't get them. I honestly don't. Yeah, things happen. Shit goes sour. In the end, you can still not let something go but still be able to tolerate the issue/person. Prime example, Matt is a complete douche queef. No problem in saying that. Have i let go of the things that have happened? Absolutely not. Am i willing to look past them and tolerate it for the sake of being civil and happy? Of course. What's the point in being all pissy towards each other if all it does is stir and create drama?! It's not logical. It puts you in a miserable spot, and the ones around you in a miserable spot because they have to deal with it too. Micaela and i went through a lot. Good and bad. I'm kind of surprised that she didn't hold a grudge against me. But through everything that did happen, look at us now. We're friends, we talk, I'd go as far as saying we're good friends. She wasn't just my girlfriend, she was my best friend. Things like that don't just disappear. Just like my friendship with Matt isn't going to just disappear. Maybe it's because i think things through logically, or because i'm an idiot. Who knows. The way i see it, holding a grudge with someone only hurts you, and the ones that you care about. So get the fuck over it. Suck it up, stop making excuses for everything, and deal with the issues that you obviously have. If you're holding a grudge than you obviously have something you need to work through. So stop running from them or just trying to cover them up by erasing the situation from your life. Cause in end, you'll turn out worse than you ever imagined.

DREAMS! AH! FUCKIN' Dicaprio! In all seriousness, dreams are truly magic. Yet another example! WOO! So ever since i can remember, every time i had a dream they would always be very detailed. Most of the time, my mind could control not only my actions, but the world i'm in as well-- to an extent that is. My dreams were the playground for my imagination and heart. The creepy thing, is that anytime i get hurt, like shot, stabbed, bitten, etc., I can actually feel it in real life, at the exact location that it happened in the dream. Freaky shit. But sometimes i'll get the same dreams, over and over again. Not the exact same. But the same general feel with different locations and people, but usually keeping one person constant. Lately, i've been having this kind of dream. The person that stayed the same was a girl. I could see her perfectly, and i didn't know who she was in real life, but i knew her in the dream- pretty well actually. I could never figure out who this girl was, and i could never completely remember why she was in my dreams. Like i didn't know what her role was. Well, the other day, i hopped on the good ol' Facebook and on the side where they show you people that you may know, was just a girl so i clicked on her wondering if i knew her. I looked at her pictures (yes i creeped) and she was the exact girl from my dream. It was her. Creepy part: I have never met nor have i ever even seen this girl before. I still can't figure out how it all happened. The world works in mysterious ways.

Welp, that's all folks. Keep in touch. Don't be a stranger. Let the words flow through you like the blood your heart pumps. Every new day is a day that you can make yourself just a little bit better. Not for her, or for him, or anyone. Just for you. Leave the world better then you found it. My challenge to you all.

Song of the day:

A Moment of Peace by Jarrod Gorbel

Little Monsters

It's dawned on me, that some of my closest friends that I had here, aren't that close to me anymore. It's weird, how you can go so long of being best friends, and then all of a sudden you look at yourself, the friendship, and realize there's not a lot left of it. Maybe it's just me realizing it now, but it just kills you inside. We grow up, and some don't.

I was always there for you man. For five years. Even through all of your attempts to sabotage my relationships, I still stuck by you. When I thought you were making a terrible decision for college, I talked to you about it. And you seemed to listen, since you are here, even if it is for the reason I advised you not to let you influence. But the time I needed you most, when I needed everyone the most, you just like the rest turned your back. Yeah, I've said some things to you and about you that I'm not proud of, nor am I happy about. But I would've never told you that you were better off dead. Never.

You have been the loyalist of them all. And bro, you have been the best friend and roommate I could've ever asked for. I told you this before, and I'll tell you again. I'm so envious of your life. I always have been. So many people look up to you, you're so damn amazing and passionate about music. I wish I could be as passionate about something, or even half as passionate. I'm envious that you found the love of your life already. You two make a great match. But everyday when we lived together, I couldn't help but think you were judging me each and every day of it. Between the whole Rachel thing, the fraternity, not knowing what to do with my life, to the endless nights I would just sulk in self pity. You were a brother to me before I got 60 of them, and again like I said before, I would do anything for you and for the love of your life. She means a lot to you, so I'm always going to look after her too. But sometimes I wonder if you've ever seen me the same way.

Dude, I know I can't talk to you all the time. And we really haven't communicated throughout the year. We live two completely different lives. And when I come home, I see that the most. I get it, you don't want to hang out with me or anything. It's cool. It's just one of those things that I'm going to have to get used to. Because I was always envious of you too. You guys know exactly what you want to do and you have the skills and ability to do so. I try, I try my little heart out to try to get through to you. You've been my second family. And it seems so distant, more now than ever.

Things have changed. Something we all have to deal with. WE have changed. Each and every one of us. Whether it is by the way we look, act, feel, or even think. Some haven't changed at all. The one's I feel sorry for the most are the ones that are left untouched. The ones that have yet to grow up, deal with the facts of life, and haven't let the natural course of change run through them.

One thing I absolutely hate, is that so many people here judge me for being the way I am and doing the things I do. I mean, I thought about this for awhile. I joined a FRATERNITY of men and I get talked about, accused of random things, and made out to be some type of partying animal. While this is all nice and dandy, it doesn't portray me in the right light by any means. But the thing is, all I did was join something. How do people expect others to admit that they are homosexual, bisexual, atheist, agnostic, or anything in the lines of that? If I got judged for just joining an organization, these people are going to get judged to the tenth degree. Grow up people. Let go of whatever you need to let go of, work through any issues that have been left unresolved. Let past relationships go and move on with your life. Let life run its course! You can't keep living in the past, or doing things merely to please someone. You gotta start doing things for you, and look forward.

I've done a lot of things in my past. Things I am both proud and not so proud of; regardless it is my past. It has shaped me to become who I am, as cliche as it sounds. In the last 2 years of my life I loved someone for the first time, fell in love again with someone else and learned a lesson on relationships, went to college, started a life, and figured out who I am. I'm sorry I didn't choose the same path as my friends. I'm sorry I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm sorry I quit music. What everyone needs to realize, is that these were all decisions I needed to make. This is my own path. No one else's. I'm trying my hardest to keep things the same, but everything is changing around us too fast.

Judge me for all it's worth. And judge those that are homosexual, atheist, and whatever. But guess what, they are all the happiest people that will walk this god forsaken earth, because they know who they are, and they're not going to let a bunch of people judging them for following their heart bring them down.

This is my life, I can't always control who comes in and out of it. I'm trying my hardest, and that's all I can do. If that's not good enough for you, then maybe not having me in your life is probably best. I am who I am, and no, I'm not fuckin' changing for anyone. :)

Song of the day:

Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga

A Summer Carol

I'm going to go ahead and tell you now that this is probably going to be a fairly long post. Not novel long, but longer than the rest. There's just a lot to cover, and a lot that i need to get out. So, let's get to it!

I've been thinking a lot lately. About various things, as per usual. Here's the first thing.

The Past:
First thing's first. I went to the high school over a week ago. It's been a full year since i graduated, a long with the rest of the class of 2010. It makes me sick seeing what everything we did has come to. Absolutely sick. I'm not saying i alone raised everything. No, i didn't. We, as a class, accomplished everything. The only thing the class below us had to do was at very least keep that up. And guess what? It's all gone. Nobody even remembers what we did. I can't believe it. And then, you have Middleton talking about how great HIS band is going to be now that someone is out of the picture and how much of a failure the rest of the years were. TO MY FACE. Dude, i'm sorry i was a part of the BEST SENIOR CLASS to go through that school. I'm sorry we led that program to everything. I'm sorry that Becca and I worked our ass off more than any other drum majors did and have after us to make it what we did. Yes, it wasn't all us. That band was pure magic. And to tell me to my face that we were a failure? No sir, no. You know what, go off and jack up the band fee and do your full day band camp. Have fun turning into the next Fox marching band program with all drill and props, but no music. I'm so glad the "Seckman Jaguar Pride" isn't coming to Ozarko. I think one year of humiliation was good enough. It also pains me to hear about the Renaissance program. That club, I did raise. I put in so much time into that club my four years. And in ONE SINGLE YEAR they managed to screw it all up. Way to go, scholar, way to go.
And it's funny thinking about my relationships throughout then as well. Let's face it, everyone i was ever with found someone better. Someone that they're actually happy with. The two that meant the most to me especially. Micaela found Mike, and she seems like she's on cloud nine. She's got the boy she always wanted, and the one i never was. Rachel has managed to make it to where i don't even exist, nor did i ever. I guess i'd rather emotionally deal with Micaela's situation cause at least she still talks to me and remembers. It still hurts every single time i think about Rachel totally erasing me. Cause it seems like it was never truly real to her. But it's done and over with. So there isn't much to do now. I think i'm just meant to be that guy, the one that makes you realize that there is something so much better out there for you.

The Present:
What is there to say. I'm on the verge of losing my full tuition scholarship, the one that inspired me to get so involved in college and also has taught me so much about diversity (not that i didn't already know about it. Ha, jokes.). But, i get to keep my RA job. So, we'll just have to see where everything pans out. I've finally totally decided to go pre-law and i think i'm going to major in political science with a minor in either communications or philosophy. Living at home has completely and totally sucked. I can say with full confidence that i will try as had as i can NOT to come back next summer and stay down in springfield. I can't do this again.
Honestly, it's funny looking at my "relationships" now too. I truly don't know what to do. Mista is right there. She's all mine. Weird part is, i'm not taking her. Not right now at least. I just can't. How can i? After everything that has happened, and seeing where it led, how could i do it all over again? The things that have happened between us doesn't exactly make me confident about going after her either. Not one bit. And i'm honestly trying my hardest to let it all go. To start fresh. But i can't. As hard as i've tried, it's getting me no where. You hurt me so bad. Before we were even together. And it wasn't once, or twice, or even three times. It was over, and over, and over again. It just kept happening. You can go ask anyone you want, but i got absolutely crushed so many times. And now i'm baffled to how i stuck with it. I truly am. But i made it here. Through it all. And finally got you. But now i can't take you. I guess because you have no idea what i went through. NO IDEA. Before you came along, while we were talking, and now. I have no sympathy for you or what you went through with your ex. I've been through hell and back, gone out with the craziest with even crazier mom's. And i don't think you ever fully appreciated anything i did for you. Because let's face it, i did EVERYTHING for you. I would drop anything and everything for you. And that was my mistake. Because i did that, and you never ever did the same for me, until later. I told you before, i like you. And i do. I'm STILL here. But, after it's all said and done, maybe it's too little too late. I worked my ass off for you. And when it boils down to it, it's shocking, but you would give up quicker than i ever would. I mean, come on, you wouldn't have put up with and gone through everything i did just to get here if you were in my shoes. You would've left after the first week. And this weekend, you get busy and just stop talking. Yeah, princess i get busy too. Like, oh i don't know, this whole past semester? I can easily say i had more going on than you did. And i still found time every day to talk to you. That little stuff is what matters most. Not how much you miss me, or how many times in one day you tell me you like me, or how many times you ask if you can come see me. No, it doesn't take any of that. There's a lot that needs to be processed now. The game totally changed this weekend.

The Future:
It's gonna be here before we know it. Now that i've decided to go pre-law, i've been looking at law schools. As far as missouri goes, it's either UMKC or SLU. Not gonna lie, i hate SLU. But i really really really want to go somewhere on the east coast. Not sure where, but somewhere. My dream would be to go to Yale. Never gonna happen, i know. But it's a dream.
It's scary to think about. If everything miraculously goes according to my plan, i'll be engaged in three to four years. That means in the next three to four years i'll be meeting the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. How insane is that?! You know what though? I absolutely cannot wait for that day to come.

Weird how the future part is the shortest one. I guess it's because right now, i'm not really sure what the future holds for me. But, that will all unfold in due time.

Song of the day:

Awake and Alive (The quickening version) by Skillet

Still Winning, kind of

I've had a lot of different emotions going through me these past few days. After seeing some people for the first time in god knows how long, to talking to some in a long time. A lot is going through my head. Good and bad. I'm not going to elaborate on it too much right now, because i'm still trying to sort it out. But once i do, i'm definitely going to come back here and put it down.

I got me a new cellular device! And it was FREE! I originally got it from the AT&T store, and then the next day my dad saw that it was free at best buy, so we returned it to AT&T, went across the street to best buy, and ordered it from there. Since it was free there, they've been sold out since Sunday. Funny how employee's that aren't on commission tend to actually give you HELP rather than just sell the product (AT&T!). The folks at best buy were really helpful with everything and made sure everything got squared away. I ordered the phone on Wednesday, and guess what came in the mail the very next day?! YEAH! My phone came, along with Lady Gaga's new album, "Born This Way", FOR FREE! Um, SCORE! Anywho, i'm still waiting for my case for my phone to get here. Got it off of Amazon for about 25 bucks. It's an Otterbox so i knew it would be somewhat pricey. But even so, it was cheaper than expected. I did not get the defender case though (the big ones that are practically indestructable) mainly because the HTC Inspire is a large phone as it is, and i didn't want to add a bulky case to it. So i went for the Commuter line, which still protects the phone with two layers, but is dramatically slimmer. They also provide a screen protector that you have to apply, so if anyone is good at doing that, text me :) I always seem to get air bubbles when i do it.

The phone itself, well, not gonna lie, i don't miss the iphone at all. Yes, it is dramatically faster than MY iPhone, but it is also faster than the iPhone 4! I love the size of the screen, and i also love everything that you can do with android! Now i feel like Apple just screws you over by trying to restrain you from EVERYTHING and false advertising their "apps". The market quickly shifted to where people are making apps for android before they make them for apple, merely because of the ease of use. Customization seems to be endless with android. You can definitely make it your own phone. One thing it does lack however is a front facing camera. But i'll sacrifice that for the 8 megapixel HD camera that it does have. :D Back to the apps thing, Apple really does steal your money when it comes to these things! I was scared that android wouldn't have some of the apps that i used. Not only do they have them, but they're FREE! Another thing i'm really liking is all of the "air syncing" that comes with these androids. I never have to plug my phone in to a computer for it to back up my data or update. I can do it all over the air. I am VERY happy with my choice of saving 200 bucks and going Android instead of sticking with Apple. As much as i loved my iPhone (and i still do), this HTC has really won me over.

Anywho, that's about it for now.

Song of the day:

You and I by Lady Gaga

Swimming Along

I've been thinking about a lot lately. You know, the usual. Girls, school, life.


I like her, a lot. But after what i went through with Rachel i'm finding it unbelievably hard to trust her. I don't know why. Hopefully this phase passes and we can get on with our lives. Because i know i could be happy with her. I just have to let myself get there.

I went by the football field the other night. It was really nice. Such a peaceful place. Haley came by for a bit to give me some company. Pretty sure she likes me again. Oh lord.

A promise is a promise. You know that.

Song of the day:

Against the Current by Mree

Reflecting Truth.

It will be a year tomorrow from when I graduated high school. I can't even begin to tell you how different of a person i am now compared to then. I can't even tell you how different all of my friends are compared to then, in good and bad changes. It's weird, looking back at that. When we all graduated we were all on the top of the world, with all these big dreams and hopes. We all took pride in the colleges we were heading off to. Don't get me wrong, i still take great pride in MSU, but the dreams and hopes part kind of fits.

It's nice to look back and remember all of the people that would promise you that you would stay in touch, and now look at the ones that actually did. We all have grown up so much, yet, we have so much more growing up to do. Soon enough, we'll be graduating from college as well, and starting yet another chapter in life. Scary, huh?

It's weird to think about this time last year. Yeah, i graduated. But i also had Rachel. I've just been thinking about that. I don't miss her, but i miss the concept of her. I miss having someone there for me all the time. I still remember how there were so many graduation parties last year to go to, and i didn't want to go out and get a gift for every last one of them. So Rachel would just go get a card for them and sign my name in it. I miss that kind of stuff. Being able to have someone that you share everything with. A person that took care of me. Because as much as i hate to admit it, she did take good care of me. But i mean, so did Micaela. So i've never really been in a situation where my girl didn't take care of me. But i miss having girls like that in my life. Yeah i have them as friends. But nothing more than that. I want someone that can take care of me, and someone i can trust with anything and everything. Right now, i don't have a person that fits both.

It has only been a week of summer.........good lord.

62 more days until summer meeting.

Song of the day:

It's Raining Again by Skylar Grey

First Page of Our Story

First post of the summer. Damn, i miss springfield and everything that's there. I miss my friends so much, i miss my brothers, i miss being able to just walk anywhere and finding someone to hang out with. I miss it all.

I went to my sister's graduation this past weekend. The best part of it: seeing my parents the happiest they've ever been. It made me think if they were ever going to feel that way about me. If i would ever make them happy.

With her graduation and seeing how shitty my GPA was this past semester, i've realized i need to focus. I need to give it my all. Because my whole life, i haven't been giving it my all. I'm going to be better. I have to. I can't handle the situation i'm in right now again. I'll be okay, i know i will. But there's just too much up to chance right now. Way too much.

I honestly just want to spend all of my money right now. That's the type of mood i'm in. Mainly on these new shoes i found. They're from a brand called Sanuk. They make nothing but sandals. The "shoes" they make are essentially sandals, just modified. Apparently they are hella comfy. Any who, i'm thinking about getting a pair. I also have to get new tires on my jeep, and i've been thinking about finally getting it lifted about 2 inches. We'll see if i actually do it or not.

My new obsession is Skylar Grey. I discovered that she's the one that wrote a lot of the "popular" songs right now. Like "Love the way you lie" was written by her, and she originally sang it. Not gonna lie, she brings a whole new light to that song. Rihanna sucks in my opinion. Especially her new crap. She also wrote a lot of other songs for other artists. She's truly talented. Just a little random thought.

Song of the day:

Love the Way You Lie by Skylar Grey (youtube it)

Maybe Soon, We Can Fly.

There's just something about finals week that makes you think about everything. I'm really far behind on my studying, but you know what, I can spare a few minutes to put in a blog really quick.

Like I said earlier, it's finals week. Needless to say, i'm stressing hard. Since i dropped down to 12 credit hours this semester, one slip up in a class tanks my GPA. Which i can't afford. So basically i have to rock all of these finals and pray to the lord of everything that i come away with at least a 2.75.

I keep feeling a sense of loneliness lately. Even though i'm always surrounded by everyone. I feel lost a lot. I want to go pre-law, but lets face it. I don't think i'm cut out for law school. I honestly don't think i'm smart enough to do it. Who knows. I'm just kind of trying to get by for now.

Being home for the summer should be really interesting. I'm not exactly sure how i'm going to deal with it. Needless to say, i'm going to be making a couple of trips back down here. Yup, definitely.

There is so much on my plate right now. I just don't know if I can actually handle it or not. I'm really not sure. And you know what? It scares the hell out of me. You were my rock, everything i ever did, i did for you. And for the past however many months, I've had to do it for me. And it's been awesome. But every now and then, i keep getting lost. Lost in my own thoughts and self doubts. It just seemed so much easier when I did it for you.

Maybe my parents will finally be happy and proud of me after I tell them about going pre-law.

You can always talk to me. I'll always be here for you to fall back on. You don't have to take care of yourself all the time. That's what i'm here for. And like i said, it means the world to me that you do actually check up on me and make sure everything is okay. Everything will work itself out.

Song of the day:

Boadicea by Enya

Forgetting 22 days.

I hate this. You know why? Because I've started thinking about you again. And I shouldn't. You don't deserve my thoughts. Not one bit. But you're getting them. Mainly because it's May. This time last year I was SO happy. Not saying i'm not happy now, but I was happy for different reasons. Funny how things change in a year. You've taught me a lot though. How trust is something that you have to have. And how easily it can be lost, yet so hard to gain. Life goes on, and in 10 days, it'll be your birthday. How weird is that? Remember your last birthday party? I do. Do you remember anything? Because I can honestly say I remember all of it. A part of me hates it, because it makes me relive it. You weren't a mistake. And I don't regret it one bit. Even after everything i've gone through after you, i still don't regret it and I don't see you as a mistake. I know you probably see me as a mistake and regret me, because apparently you and your friends think i'm a crazy drunk, but that's okay. You can think all you want. You screwed me up girl. You really did. But i'm somewhat okay now. I'd like to think i'm a little stronger. You made me cherish trust, and I make everyone earn it now. I've been thinking about you almost everyday lately. Just thought you should know.

And you, I can tell you're happy with him. I really can. And you don't even know how happy that makes me. You know I have trouble trusting people. I still don't trust him, but I see how happy he makes you, and for now, that's good enough for me. You're a big girl now and you can take care of yourself. To tell you the truth, the way you checked up on me awhile ago really made my heart melt. I know you care about me, and I care about you too. So if things go wrong, you know i'll always be here. It sucks that we can't talk as much as we did, but if it means you're happy, i'll take it. Doesn't mean i'm out of your life.

Song of the day:

Again by Natasha Bedingfield and Bruno Mars (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfZmVg4F514)

One Day, I'll Be Perfect.

So here's the deal. I'm home, and i'm watching this movie. Obviously it's an indian movie. I mean, that's what i do when i'm home.

Any who, it's all about a guy that jumps through hoops and goes through all of these obstacles, only so this girl that he really likes can be happy with someone else. And he knows the whole time that he's doing this for someone else's happiness. The whole time i couldn't help but think how relevant this is. I will say, i haven't done everything i could to make you happy. I am so sorry for that. But i knew from the very beginning i had no chance. And the further we got into everything, the more i realized we would be awesome for one another, but it would never happen. Because he makes you happier. Such is my life.

I've got so much thinking to do. To be honest, i'm hoping to get a text from you saying "I'm done thinking :)". But i know it's going to be more of the lines of "I'm done thinking......" And that's okay. Because like i told you, i'm bracing myself for it. I have this whole thing worked out in my mind, whether it actually happens or not. But after the whole Rachel thing, i've began to only think of the worst possible situation. Mainly because i don't....i CAN'T get my hopes up. Because in the end, you end up losing the most.



Song of the day:

Perfect by The Undeserving

EDIT:

I feel like i need to let you into my mind. Here it is:

Everything i feel about you is so REAL. And i know this, because i've had a life full of feelings that i thought were real, and i made myself believe that they were real. I told you before and i'll tell you again, you're the type of girl i don't need to "be with" to feel absolutely amazing. I can talk to you, lay around with you, hell, just SEE YOU and it makes my day so much better. I went through a relationship with Rachel where i tried to convince myself everything was real and that everything was perfect. I'm not even with you and i already feel like this is a more healthy relationship than hers. You said you don't want to go exclusive. I can't tell you how okay with that i am. I'm so effed up right now that that would be absolutely amazing. And you keep saying i've given up. That doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm no where close to giving up. I tell you that you're my sunshine. Why would i give up on that? Better yet, why would i try to convince you that i haven't given up if i have? Come on silly, look at it logically :P.

I just want everyone to know that i've been so happy this month. And nothing, NOTHING that happens, is going to change that. I want to show you what i can do for you, and that i can make you happy. All i want is a chance to do it. Boosh. That took way too much out of me. Time to go think some more. WOOO.

Crap.

I screwed up grandpa. I screwed up big time.

You always taught me to put others before myself. And I didn't I put myself before her. I put myself before everyone. Now I'm hurting her more than ever. This isn't what I had intended. Not at all.

After being so caught up in going undecided and being around her, I forgot that everything I say and do not only affects me, but the ones around me. I messed up your life. I'm the one to blame. Not yourself. No one else. It seems like I've become a master at this.

I'm sorry. That's all that I can say.

Roseball tomorrow.

One Day We'll Live Out Loud

Sometimes I wonder, what would life be like if I would have made some different decisions. I wonder about where I am here, who I've met, and what I've done. None of which I change.

I wonder what it would be like if I would have stayed home. What would my life be like? Would i still be with Rachel? Would I be closer to the friends that I've grown away from? It's all truly a mystery.

Now this doesn't mean I'm second guessing the decisions I have made. I am quite proud of who I am, what I've accomplished, and where I'm headed. But something makes me think about what life would be like and how different it would be if I would have done things a little differently.

I'm purely happy. Most of the time. And to be honest, I haven't been this way in such a long time. Something is different. About life, about me. And that is the reason that has brought me to think about everything. Would I still be this happy if I would have made different choices? Would my parents be happier and more proud of me if I would have stayed home and gone to a more "prestigious" university? Would I finally live up to everyones expectations and not be a let down? Or would I have been a let down to myself? Such. A. Mystery.

Song of the day:

Save Us by Cartel

Remembering Rebirth.

Today is initiation for the new guys. All I've been able to think about all day has been about when I went through it. The whole week. How it felt. All the emotions that were flowing through me as I began the journey of joining a brotherhood. But, now when I think about it, I'm on the other side. The emotions are still flowing, but in a different way. I'm going to gain six more brothers tonight, and I couldn't be happier.

Today has been a very odd day. I woke up not feeling too good (mentally), but as the day went on, I realized that it's actually been a pretty great day.

I gave a tour today, and during the tour I just started to think about why I'm doing this. I absolutely LOVE giving tours and being able to talk to prospective students along with their families. I think those two hours, as draining as they may be, are always the best two hours of my day.

I don't know why, but I find it really weird on the days that I don't see certain people that I usually see.

I got to hang out with her today. I brought her pizza because she was too lazy to actually leave her room and go eat dinner. But it was nice to just sit around and do nothing for once in the day. It's funny how a person can relax you. That's what she does. Maybe that's why I like being around her so much. That and probably the fact that we have everything but our mothers in common. I really like where we're at right now. There are just a few things that I'm not happy with. But guess what, not everything is perfect. And maybe in time, things will change. Whether it's what I want or not, I'm okay with it as long as she's happy. But that's a story for another campfire.

Emerging leaders retreat tomorrow and Sunday! WOOOOOO.

Song of the day:

Never Forget You by Lupe Fiasco feat. John Legend

Bottle It Up, and Let It Go.

I'm lost. I'm completely lost with my life right now. I don't know what i want to do. And it's frustrating the hell out of me. If business isn't me, than what is?! Is it public relations? Is it graphic design? Is it geology? Or is it the one thing i've been trying to push away...Law?

I have no clue. But through and through, i'm walking forward. I know i'll figure it all out one day. I just hate not having a plan and feeling like i'm wasting time as my friends keep progressing forward.

And then there's this girl. The girl that in this short period of time has gotten to know me inside and out. She knows everything. And the best thing is, the second i see her face, everything gets better. She's the girl that i can lay around for hours at a time and not even say a word. The girl that will run her hand through my hair while i take a nap. The girl that i've always wanted, but never found.

You know, i told you to do whatever you needed to do. I never told you not to be with him, nor to break up with him. I merely said that if you're going to drop a friend for a boy, don't expect them to be around. You say i dropped you for her. No. I didn't. I stopped talking to you all on my own. We hit some rough patches. And that was that. People do change. But asking someone you care about to not talk to someone they care about doesn't make sense, now does it. I know i was crappy to you. There's no doubt about it. And that was over a year ago. If you ever want to talk to me am i going to ignore you? No. You know i wouldn't do that. I'm just not going to try and put forth the effort first. I'm happy for you, i really am. And i really do hope that he turns out to be everything that you're hoping.

Song of the day:

Iridescent by Linkin Park

Boom Goes the Dynamite.

Welcome home.

I am officially an undecided major. Why? Because being a finance major just wasn't me. What is me? I have no idea. I don't even know where to start. But i'll figure it out. Sooner or later. As of right now, next semester i'll finish up the whole whopping 3 general ed classes, my RA class, and a couple of random classes to figure out what i want to do just so i can get over that 12 credit hour hump.

I'm home. I told my parents about my choice of going undecided. Needless to say, Sunday cannot get here fast enough.

I've only been here for a few hours and i already miss Mista. She came by after i was done with classes today to say bye. She just layed in my bed while i packed and then we just sat around for a little bit before i had to go. And to be honest, stuff like that is the stuff that means the most to me. The fact that i can just sit around with her and not even be close to being bored. I'm probably going to leave here early on Sunday because her and i are planning on grabbing some dinner or something before our meetings.

86 degree weather + no air conditioning in the jeep + three hour drive = not a very happy me.

I cannot wait for Roseball. Grrrrrr.

I wish i could just stay at MSU forever. That would be ideal.

You can't talk to me because of him. Hm. That is quite, odd. The fact that he even told you that you can't talk to me is quite odd. Someone's a bit nervous. Any who, it's ultimately your choice, and you can do whatever your little heart desires. Don't expect me to just be here after you drop me because of him.

I can't wait till next year, mainly because i won't have to come home as much. :)

Song of the day:

Knockout by Lil Wayne feat. Nicki Minaj

In the Name of Glory

Over the past couple days i've noticed and realized a few things. The best things in life are meant to work for. Nothing is going to be handed to you, and nothings going to be easy. However, there is a difference between JUST working at something for the sake of making it work, and working at something to better the future. Of course, this mostly applies to relationships/friendships.

I've been extremely busy lately. I know i say that in just about every post. But it's true. To be honest, this week and next week aren't going to be any better. Not by a long shot. This week is our No Boundaries week. NOBO week is basically a full week we devote to our philanthropy, PUSH America. This whole week there will be two Pi Kapps in front of the student union pedaling a bike, all day and all night, this whole week. And next week is our initiation week. So i'll be busy for awhile.

On a lighter note, i'm going home this weekend. I'm not exactly sure if it's a good thing or not. I kind of don't want to leave here. Mainly because everyone is here and plus i'll have to leave Mista.

I failed my microeconomics test AGAIN. But i think i did fairly well on my accounting test. Hopefully.

This situation with Mista is hella complicated. But guess what, she makes me happy by just being around me and talking to me. And that means so much to me. I don't even have to be with her to feel amazing. I truly think there are awesome things in store for both of us. I can't wait to experience them :)

I absolutely cannot wait to start my job as an RA. I'm super excited for it and excited to have my OWN room. My own room that is AWESOME. As much as i will miss having Tommy as my roommate and the shenanigans we have, being on my own and being an RA is going to be a blast. I'm finally trained as a UA and am giving solo tours now! Everything's going fairly well, just very stressful at times.

I guess that's it for now. I can't really think of much as of this moment. I'll try to keep posting as much as i can!

Song of the day:

See Me Smiling by Yellowcard

Hello world. This is going to be somewhat of a short post. I'm doing it via my iPhone so I don't want to sit here and type it all out with just my thumbs.

Life lately has been amazing. I've been super busy with everything. Yesterday I had RA training all day. It was okay. I was just really tired and sleepy through it all. But I got to spend a lot of time with Mista :)

Speaking of which, her and I are doing pretty well. We still talk all the time and her and I went to a party together last night. It was so much fun. I didn't drink much just because I knew I'd have to be responsible. She's everything I want in a girl. Everything I've ever wanted. And now she's my date for Roseball! I'm so excited for it now.

Anywho, I will have a longer post with other details upon life soon! So stay tuned :)

Song of the day:

Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet

On Cloud Nine

Greek Week is over. And I survived. Barely.

This weekend has been something else. To be honest, this whole past week has been something else. Weeks/weekends like these make me never want to go home. As stressful and hellish Greek Week was, spending all of that time with my brothers and other greeks was a pure blast. I got so much closer to people and got to get so many more friends. And also, i've gotten the opportunity to get close to one person in particular.

I'm pretty sure i effed up my back via Greek Jam. It's okay though, i'm sure i'll get better eventually.

I realized how much more i like my friends here and how much more friends in college just mean more to you than they ever did in high school. High school was just too drama oriented. To be honest, some of the people that still haven't grown up have the same issues in college. I walked into a full house Saturday and the whole place ERUPTED. That's the feeling that i love. Walking into a place and everyone is excited to see you. Hell, it even happens just walking around campus.

Mista and i have gotten to know each other very well as of late. The more we talk, the more we realize that we are basically the same person. We have the same personality, same outlook on life, everything. We even share the same weird/non-traditional vocabulary. She truly is amazing. Things are going okay on that front for now. We're gonna go get some Cold Stone tonight :)

Life is good. Everything happens for a reason. This was my reason. I am SO much happier two months into this semester than i was two months into last semester. Breaking away was good for me. Experiencing what i'm capable of and finding out who i am has been such a great journey. And it has just begun!

Song of the day:

No Sleep by Wiz Khalifa

They Said The Sky Would Fall.

I haven't posted in awhile. There are reasons for that. I've been so busy this week. Food and sleep have become an option. But there is one thing that keeps me going. Gosh, there is so much to be said.

Greek Week 2011. This will be the death of me. When it is over, i will not regret it one bit. I will not miss it at all. I did, however meet some fantastic girls. Girls that definitely are good at heart. They have good intentions. Those Xi Om's are one of a kind. People make fun of them because they aren't a "real" sorority, but you know what, they put in more effort and spirit than most "real" sororities. I respect that. And being paired with them has been one of the best experiences i've yet to have. They really taught me how to have fun, and to not care so much what others think.

Although Greek Week has been hell so far, it has been worth it. I got to experience my first ever paint war. Planning that and putting it together was a pain, but being able to just go outside, run around and throw paint at each other was such a blast. Who knew that you could have so much fun by just throwing paint at one another. I went to an exchange with the Xi Om's and needless to say, that was an interesting night. I'm not saying anything about that.

She's got me wrapped around her finger. And to be honest, i love it. She's giving me the chase of a lifetime. I'm always up for a challenge. She makes me all giddy like i've never been. She lets me be me. I can be random, and weird, and straight up strange. And she's okay with it. We have so much in common. Plus she's the most adorable thing i've ever seen. GAH. I know she doesn't see me the same way, but it's so hard not to be attracted to her. She's everything i want in a girl. EVERYTHING. When i'm with her, i feel like i'm on cloud nine. And maybe for now, that's good enough. Maybe i don't HAVE to be "with her" to feel this. Because i feel it right now and i'm not "with her". She's a good girl. I think that's exactly what i need. Seeing her just makes my day. Everything happens for a reason. I'm really hoping she's the reason :)

Yellowcard's new album is out. I had to go frolic outside in celebration. It is AMAZING. I love them so much. And what a fitting title. "When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes."

This isn't even everything that is going on. I just don't feel like typing it all out right now. So stay tuned.

Song of the day:

Sing for Me by Yellowcard

Shooting Stars

It is currently 5 a.m. and needless to say i had one of the best nights ever! And i was sober for all of it.

Speaking of sobriety, apparently a bunch of the KIDDOS think that i'm a hardcore partier and alcoholic. Point A, it doesn't concern you at all. Point B, who are you getting these facts from?! Last time i checked i only went out once or twice a month TOPS. Maybe i'm just CRAZY.

Any who, i went to dinner for Matt's 21st birthday and then just went to the house and chilled out because i'm too young to do anything else. Becca was with me. And we just stayed at the house and chilled out, talking to everyone and having Xi Om's over for a good 5-6 hours. Becca Bock, spent 5-6 hours in the Pi Kapp house, and enjoyed every minute of it. Go figure. For real though, she actually loves coming over there and just hanging out with all the guys. It truly was a lot of fun.

This week has sucked. I don't imagine next week being any better. But hey, that's life. You live it, you get over it. Shit happens. But for now, i need some sleep. Pronto.

Song of the day:

All of the Lights by Kanye West feat. Rihanna

Welp.

My grandpa died last night.

You know that all time high I was on, yeah, well needless to say I'm not anymore.

It's been a long time comin', but after so long, it's back. Welcome home, little monster, welcome fucking home.

Hugs On A Thursday.

Thursday. I made it to this day. Summer break is going to absolutely suck. I hate being here. It's not really the physical place of home. Just the people. Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe for summer everyone else will be home too so it'll be okay.

I miss my brothers, my friends, my family back in Springfield. You know you picked the right college when you can't even be away from it for a week!

Going up to the school today was, eh. I saw Anderson and Hub, which was amazing. No matter how much time has passed, those two will always be the first ones i go and see. And then i saw Mic.

I missed you so much. I really did. Seeing you with a smile on your face, because of me, was amazing. And to think the last time that truly happened was a year ago. And then you hugged me. Something i missed even more. Let's face it, we are awesome huggers. There was so much i wanted to tell you. But for some reason when i saw you none of it really came to mind. But it's okay. Because i'll end up telling you at some point. Is it bad that seeing you affected me more than when i saw Rachel later on? Seeing her was just seeing another face. Funny how that happened. I'm glad it did though. Gosh, i still can't get over the fact that i FINALLY got to see you.

Seeing you was probably the highlight of being home. As lame as that sounds.

I really want to go on a date with Mista. Let's see if i have the balls to make it happen. :/

Song of the day:

Words I Never Said by Lupe Fiasco ft. Skylar Grey