Man in the Mirror.

I'm alive. If that's what you would like to call this. No I'm not dead yet. But for some reason, I can't see my reflection in the mirror anymore. I keep searching for it, and I guess out of frustration has driven me to what I like to refer to as "insanity".

This isn't who I came here as, and this isn't any variation of who I've worked so hard to be. It feels as though everything inside me is, quite honestly, dead. I can't even tell my own girlfriend how wonderful she is and that she will do great in everything she does. Who is this? I try so hard to escape my thoughts and my anger during the day, and by the night falls I find myself staying up half the night thinking. About what? That's just it, I can't figure out what I'm thinking about.

Sometimes I wake up wondering why I even woke up. The only thing that keeps my going is the feeling of belonging in my fraternity. I'm in a bitter mood five out of the seven days, get angry everyday and come to the verge of tears every night. I'm slowly losing it. With every step forward, I'm burning the path behind me.

I look at my friends, that are long gone. The friends that I used to call my best friends, well, I can't really tell you how they are. Truthfully, I haven't heard from them in months. The ones I do have here with me have stayed loyal, for the most part. In a world of knowing so many, I've never felt so alone. I've found that it is extremely difficult to find a person now a days that is willing to just have a conversation with you in person. About nothing in particular. Just some interaction, a nice conversation to get your thoughts out and mind off of things. I guess that's what happens when your girlfriend lives three hours away and society is dependent on cell phones.

The only thing I can hope for is that tomorrow will be a better day. And usually it is, to most. But for some reason it gets worse and worse in my eyes. I can honestly, without a doubt say that my heart has never hurt so badly, and my soul has never felt so weak. The funny part, she's still here. How long she decides to stick with this fool is up in the clouds.

What will tomorrow bring? Happiness? Hardship? Anger? Depression? As I fall asleep tonight, I will wish that when I awake and look in the mirror, I will see myself. Instead of nothing, and being disgusted.

College. Life.

First post in a LONG time. And this is my first post after being in college. After being here for six weeks, things have totally been put into perspective. It's funny how things work out. Everyone always says "we'll talk everyday when we all leave!" but how many actually keep that promise? I can honestly say I have about five friends that make an effort to talk to me at least a few times a week. And for that, I absolutely love them. Obviously my great girlfriend talks to me everyday.

Speaking of which, it's funny how things worked out with Rachel. I honestly can't believe how well things are between us. The fact that most of our friends thought we would break up as soon as I left made us even more determined to prove them wrong (four months!). I have no doubt in my mind that we will keep going. She is what makes me want to do better here, and prove to everyone what I can really do. I'm constantly trying to do better in school just so I can make her proud of me.

I've been hammered by a few people about the things I say, and quickly after have received apologies from them. To be honest, I don't mind what you say to me. Just be careful with what you say. "Frat parties" and "social suicide" are two examples. Am I mad for people saying stuff like that? No. Does it tick me off? Yes. Because they don't know what a fraternity truly is until they are a part of one. And they also do not know where my social life stands. Am I trying to bash anyone? Absolutely not. I am merely trying to explain so there are no more comments about these things at later times.

After being at college, I've come to realize a lot of things. Keep the friends that show they care as close to you as possible. They will be the ones that will be getting you through life. Always stand by your word. Don't back down just because you're outnumbered. If you have something to say, say it. No need to linger around and not express your thoughts. Don't hold grudges. The more hate you carry within you, the more you whither away piece by piece. You need all the energy you have to focus on other, more important things. Forgive and forget. Things happen, people say things, and the past can never be changed. So just let things go and move on with your life. The biggest thing I've learned after being here is knowing where my place is and where it is not. I've learned that high school was my past. My time is up. I'm not a part of that school anymore. I let go of it, and I try to stay out of their business. Marching band has been great to me for four years, but again, my time is up. It is time for others to shine. It is not my place anymore. And I am perfectly content with that. I just wish more people would realize this.

This is life. Nothing more, nothing less.

Live it. Feel it. Love it.