A Hero of War.

I don't get it, i don't get it, i don't get it.

I really wish i had the hate in me that i did for so long right now, just so i could hate her. Do i want to hate her? No. But she hates me. And i'm tired of being the one that's down and out. I'm tired of being the one that waits around for her. I'm tired of being so god damn weak. Are things going to change? No. She talked to me today. One text. Only to prove me wrong. To "show me up". It seems like that's the only way she will. And it's killing me. I told her today, that she doesn't care if i'm alive or dead, what i do for her doesn't matter, and that what i'm accomplishing here definitely doesn't matter. But i don't think she realizes the extent of that message. The fact of the matter is, i could be dead, and she would never know. And my GUT feeling tells me that she wouldn't really care. She's the only person i ever want to tell my accomplishments to, but again, she doesn't care. Not one bit. Why do i tell her? Let me tell you.

I've said on here before that i do everything for her. Well she's the only one i've ever wanted to impress. Even when we weren't together. I still remember being on the marching band field while i was a drum major and she was with Jordan. I would specifically yell at him when she was looking and always tried my hardest when i knew she was around me. And to be honest, it was out of instinct. So now, i just want to tell her about the things i do. But the downside to all of this is that when i tell her, i don't get anything back. I've yet to celebrate my exec position in Pi Kappa Phi, and now, i've yet to even feel happy at the fact that i got accepted to be an Emerging Leader (they took 60 out of 131).

I wonder if she secretly does care, but just won't tell me. I really wish she would just talk to me. It would make things so much better. As much as i absolutely hate to admit it, even though her one text to me today was quite bitter and mean, it made my day. It made my heart race again, just for a second.

I keep having dreams about her. I used to have dreams about dieing, as i told Natalie. But now they are dreams about her. About seeing her and me explaining everything to her and her mother (weird, i know). But every single time, she hugs me. And every single time i wake up with a bitter sweet reaction.

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I refuse to ever call that kid my friend ever again. Because no human with a heart says the things that he had said. As for her, through thick and thin i've looked after her like my little sister. So for now, she's okay.

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I've been praying. Yeah. I really have changed.

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Just give me a ray of hope, so i at least keep going and don't give up on myself. Because as long as i know you haven't given up on me, i will never stop fighting. And you know that. Always and forever. This is our kind of love. :/

Turkey Day Can Burn in HELL.

Going back home was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Mainly because I knew I wasn't going to see her. And through all the shit she has said to me, and all the shit everyone has said to me and done to me, I still miss her so much.

My sister asked me today if i was feeling better. To be honest, i'm feeling worse. As each day goes by i can feel my body getting weaker and weaker. It's not even heart break anymore. There's got to be something else wrong. Cause i literally feel physical pain within me. And it's getting harder and harder for me to concentrate on things. I'm going to be going to the doctor in about three weeks, after my parents leave and i go back home. We'll see what happens.

I've started to make myself go through pain. I make myself listen to a song that i know is going to rip me apart over, and over, and over again. (Dumbledore's Farewell by Nicholas Hooper). I make myself look at her pictures just so it will remind me of all the crap i've done. I make myself remember the memories. And to be honest, i do most of this just so i can feel anything. Happiness seems like something that happened so long ago, and i can't even remember the last time i smiled just because, or better yet, had a real smile.

A girl asked me the other day if i was gay. Obviously i said no. Usually i don't question when people ask me that because there are a lot of people that think that. However, this specific person and i had just now become friends, so i wanted to know what made her think i was gay. She said that was the only logical explanation for a guy looking like me to not have a girl. I explained to her that my "girl" had just broken up with me a few weeks ago. What she said to that, well, i'm not going to say in public. Hint: it was the funniest thing i've heard in a LONG time.

Founders day/Snowball is next weekend. Guess who doesn't have a date still. Fail.

The Show Goes On.

So I went to an independent living home today for my freshman class to finish up my service learning hours. Today we took about 7 of the senior citizens to the mall and the students paired up with one of them and pushed their wheel chair around.

The lady I got was someone that specifically asked for a "good looking young man." She was full of life. It was such a blast going around the mall with her. We talked about relationships. At one point she turned to me and said, "Well I'm sure a guy like yourself has a girlfriend to love." I told her, "I have someone to love, but she broke up with me two weeks ago. I don't think she loves me anymore." We talked about all the troubles we had and she told me about her own life. She started to explain to me that if someone can't give you a second chance, or a third chance, or as many chances as it takes to keep the love going, than they don't truly love you. I'm sure she said this just to comfort me, but she told me that if she really, full heartedly loves me, she's going to realize it. She's going to figure out that she has a void in her life, just like you've figured out. And then she will come back to you. She said that love doesn't go away. Ever. And if she's not the one, then she's not. She pointed out that she was with a guy for a year when he decided to break up with her so he could join the military. The next guy she met was her husband. They dated for nine months and got married. They were married for 45 years when he passed away.

I started writing a new book the other day. My heart is pouring into it. It's something I feel very passionate about. We'll see where it goes. To be honest, I started it hoping that I would finish it soon, that way she'll finally be proud of me.

My Love.

Everyone keeps telling me to cheer up. That this is a new beginning. That everything happens for a reason and sooner or later this will pass over. That's a bunch of crap and everyone knows it. Rachel Clark was easily the sole person that could see past all the bullshit in me and got to know the real me. And she accepted me.

Rachel was and still is my other half. Opposites attract for a reason. Everything I'm not she was. She's like this little package of perfect that God sent down for me. She's the one that kept me on track and the one I work for. People ask me why I'm doing finance as my major. I used to tell them for my parents. But I've quickly realized that it isn't for my parents, not at all. It's for her. I know that she's going to become something great, and if I expected her to stay with me then I had to become something myself. I wanted to make her proud.

Ever since last Sunday (1 1/2 weeks ago), I've been a wreck. Anyone can see that. I've been a walking zombie on campus. I talk to no one. I have to force myself to talk the little amount that I do. I have to force myself to eat. I can easily say I haven't had a full meal in a while. I have to force myself to go to bed at night and wake up the next morning. Simply put, I want to die. I never truly knew what people meant by the saying "my heart hurts." Boy, do I know now. I would never, in my darkest days, wish what I feel upon even my greatest of enemies. This feeling is horrid.

The weirdest part is, the feeling doesn't hurt so much when I talk to her. But she refuses to talk to me. And for every moment she doesn't talk to me, the more and more this darkness within me is settling in. Ironically, in my psychology class we're talking about how heartbreak and stress can cause heart attacks and death in young men. Sometimes I call her just so I can hear her voice on her voicemail.

I had my mind set that I would drive home today, even though it was six o'clock. But Tommy convinced me otherwise. I just can't go on without talking to her. And she just doesn't realize how badly it's killing me. I feel so helpless because the only means of communication I have with her are via text and phone call. Those are easily ignorable. What do I do? Call it quits? Definitely not. I can't give up on her. As silly as it sounds, I truly full-heartedly believe (still) that she is the one and that I will marry her someday. Call me crazy, but it's true.

The thoughts I used to have two years ago are back in full force. And they are showing no signs of giving up. For those of you that read my poem, that was me sitting on the bench. That was me hoping someone would come up behind me and make me happy. Every morning I wake up, with the hope of going to sleep and never having to wake up ever again.

Overwhelming Feelings

I can't describe this feeling I've had this week. On one hand, October was one of the worst months of my life. But the minute November started, well, lets just say it was a new beginning.

After this week, I now have over 60 brothers that will do ANYTHING for me. It really hit me when I got to talk to my big brother, Nick Balla, for hours about my biggest fear. And the fact that he just sat there and listened and let me know that I can't let that change me and suppress the real me over passes anything anyone has ever told me. I could tell that everything he was saying to me wasn't because he was obligated to as a big brother, or because he's the president, but because he truly loves me. The funniest thing is that I've known these guys for eight weeks. Just eight weeks. But in that short time they are the guys I love the most. I trust each and every one of them with my life. They trust me with theirs as well. I know they aren't going to judge me for my feelings or for the things I say, and the things I don't. With everything I do in my life, they will be the ones that will be right behind me, truly backing me up.

We are not a FRAT. We are a fraternity of men. We do not buy friends. We create a brotherhood. These guys are the ones that will be there for your wedding and funeral. The bonds never break. It is so great for once, having a group of people ready to drop anything that they are doing to go out with me when I'm not doing well. Yes I've had and have this in my life. But I never had it here with me. And now I do. Pi Kappa Phi. We. Will. Lead. KAPPA CLASS fall '10